The Desert Mermaid

SO ANYWAY THIS ONE TIME I GOT PNEUMONIA

Probably I'd Better Call A Doctor

OFFICE MANAGER: Thank you for calling this doctor's office! How can I help you?
ME: Well, I've got a bunch of pneumonia symptoms, and an image of Jim Henson just scrolled past my Facebook feed. I think I'd better see a doctor.
OFFICE MANAGER: Okay. The next appointments I have are either 7:30 tomorrow morning or two weeks from today.
ME: Probably I'd better take the seven-thirty one. I'm not sure I'll be alive two weeks from today.

Seven-Fucking-Thirty A.M. the Next Day

ME: Right, I got this. Drive down to the hospital, get an assessment, stop by the grocery store, back home for some rest.
MEDICAL ASSISTANT: Okay, I'm going to get your blood oxygen and your blood pressure ...
ME: Okay, that's great, but I just ... I think I need to lie down on the exam table ...
MEDICAL ASSISTANT: Wait, what?
ME: I'l just ... yeah. Down I go.
MEDICAL ASSISTANT: ... I guess you can stay there. Let me just take your temperature.
ME: *zzz*
MEDICAL ASSISTANT: in the hall HOLY SHIT IT'S 104.2°!
DOCTOR: also in the hall And you said she DROVE HERE HERSELF?

Gettin' A Chest X-Ray

INTAKE NURSE: Have you had any contact with anyone who might have had ebola recently?
ME: What, any of the four of them? NO.

One Chest X-Ray And Some Tylenol Later

DOCTOR: So it's totally pneumonia.
ME: You don't say.
DOCTOR: Go home. DO NOT DRIVE YOURSELF. Sleep. Push fluids. Take these antibiotics. Call if you get worse.
ME: I guess I'm not going to the grocery store today.

Sickness Behavior

Putting out an APB here: I will cough on the enemies of anyone who brings me chicken soup today.

— Amelia Rose (@AmeliaRoseWrite) April 28, 2015

If you bring grapefruit juice, I will also sneeze on them.

— Amelia Rose (@AmeliaRoseWrite) April 28, 2015

one hour later

ASPEN: Hey, I am at your door! I've brought you some cassoulet!
ME: Is ... is this an entire chicken?
ASPEN: And here is some grapefruit juice!
ME: ... I really did not expect that to work as well as it did.

Everyone Is A Helper

CAT: Hey, I'm feeling better! But I think I want to hang close to you. Like, really close. Like, I will accept nothing except sitting on your belabored chest.
ME: This is a ploy so that if you die you can take your food human to the afterlife with you, isn't it.

ME: *cough*
BIRD: *cough*
ME: *cough cough*
BIRD: *cough cough*
ME: Are you making fun of me?
BIRD: *cough snort cough*

ME: Hello, Aunt! I think I am dying. Can you come up and heat up this cassoulet for me? And feed the cat her prescription food? And maybe do some laundry for me?
AUNT: You bet!
ME: So far, you are the best helper.
AUNT: I like to think it's the RN training.

And now I'm feeling better, which means I went to get the car and I am watching David Attenborough's Life of Birds. I"m still planning to talk about the awesome Space Place Gala, but till then, let's hope I survive.

Happy birthday, Dad! Life may change around us, but you'll always be one of my favorite people.

So what's that? Mom left early for Thanksgiving in California, leaving Dad and me to follow her later? You know what that means! Time for Adventures With Dad!

Friday

DAD: Well, shall we watch a movie together? We've got some science fiction ones here. Like that Tom Cruise one. Or Transformers 4!
ME: Ooh, I haven't seen Guardians of the Galaxy!
DAD: Or we could watch Transformers!
ME: And I can't stand Tom Cruise, but yeah, Emily Blunt is pretty great. And I like the idea of being stuck in a video game.
DAD: Let's just watch the Transformers trailer.
ME: I rather want--
DAD: TRANSFORMERS
ME: FINE

Hour 427 of Transformers 4

DAD: I have no idea what is going on.
ME: God this movie is a mess but Optimus Christ just punched Grimlock into an alliance and is riding him like Yoshi so everything's cool I guess.

And then I was useless for weeks, because even terrible Transformers movies* leave me on a giant robot high that only subsides after a month or two.

Saturday

DAD: Tonight, you want to go to Interstellar?
ME: ARE THERE TRANSFORMERS IN IT
DAD: No, but your sister's been on a movie high from that one. We could go see it!
ME: For the record, it's three hours long and we can't pause for bathroom breaks in the theater.
DAD: OR we could stay in and watch this Live/Die/Repeat one.
ME: ARE THERE TRANSFORMERS IN THAT
DAD: Just make the popcorn.

It Was Like Being In A Video Game

DAD: Well, I'll admit that was a much better movie than our previous selection.
ME: Yeah, but it could have used more Optimus Prime.
DAD: You say that about everything.
ME: Look, you're the one who insisted we watch Transformers last night.

( Then, We Struck Out For California )

For some years now the administrators at the hospital where Dad works have been boldly leading the way to the future, except that the future they're envisioning appears to be of the corporate-run bottom-line-obsessed 80s-movie dystopia variety. It's been rather rough on any of the doctors who, like Dad, believe that the point of medicine is healing.

So Dad, who has also spent a decade studying an awesome state-of-the-edge cutting-art method of surgery that uses better equipment, makes smaller incisions, and offers faster healing times, is underappreciated and shunned because he feels that surgery is supposed to help optimize a patient's healing, rather than to make piles of money for him and all the hospital people around him. It's made for a pretty oppressive atmosphere, and Dad was getting to the point where he wasn't sure how he could keep this up--but he wasn't sure how he could quit, either, because there wasn't much in the retirement jar.

And then in August his best buddy from way back in residency called him and was all, "Hey, wanna job?"

Good GOD, y'all. THIS JOB. The hospital is GREAT and all the doctors like Dad a lot and he wouldn't be running his own business and maybe now we can pay off our loans and they actually are excited about his amazing Jetsonian Spacefuture surgery techniques. I mean, like, REALLY excited. He went out to kind of look things over and every time he blinked they'd throw more perks at him. He was about half an hour away from owning everyone's firstborn child.

It looks almost perfect. There's only one downside.

It's in Illinois.

Yeah, we're Westerners. It's difficult to imagine living anywhere else than Out West somewhere. But hey, everything else is awesome, and the hospital here is sinking fast, so by god, Dad's taking the job. He and Mom are moving to Illinois in the spring. They'll be there anywhere from two to ten years.

And I'm staying here.

So this is gonna be extremely weird. We're keeping the house, and I'm staying in it. Probably my brother will be moving in with me, too, since he's trying to get a job out thisaway.* And it's especially weird to think that I'll be emerging from my Bat Cave to become the one running the house. Fun, but weird.

We've been putting off announcing it until everything was all put together, but we've been preparing since August. Mom's gone all manic about moving, and Dad's kind of in a daze, and our employees are figuring out their next steps, and all the patients are wailing and moaning. (Dad is not popular with the administration, but god damn his patients love him. And the hospital staff all go to him if they have problems, so there's that.) And I'm plotting to steal the master bedroom (to Dad's horror) and wondering how I'll buy groceries with the twelve pennies or so I make a week at the Space Place.

Life, man. You never know what it's gonna throw at you next. We'll see where this takes us.


*Which is going to be interesting when he brings his silly cat with him. Harley is a lot like the late sister of our current old geezer cat, Fern, and though said sister Charlotte got ate by a mountain lion a while back, Fern still seems paranoid that she will return someday. If Harley shows up, it'll only confirm that she was right all along.

Happy birthday to my favorite sister! To answer your question: Yes, I do wanna build a snowman!

My sister is here! Hooray!

Dang, I love it when she visits. Who else can I go from discussing the publishing industry to gleefully squealing at a Let's Play of Five Nights at Freddy's* to contemplating the attributes of fairy jail in the Disney Fairyverse** with?

It's good to have people who get me.


*If you haven't seen it, I warn you that even with Markiplier's delightful self-comfort chatter in that video, that video and the game itself is fucking TERRIFYING. I haven't had so much fun watching most actual horror MOVIES as I have watching that LP.

**Have I mentioned that I LOVE the Disney Fairies? Especially the movie versions. For one thing, Peter Pan has been thoroughly bussed from the movies (I think it's technically before Tinker Bell meets him, which I'm fine with), and Tink has a much more likable personality. More importantly, though, they're girly as unicorns in a meadow full of rainbow glitter, and yet Tinker Bell is also an ENGINEER. You can totally be a girly mechanical engineer! The Fairies say so, god dammit! (And the latest movie, The Pirate Fairy, has a SCIENCE FAIRY who does experiments and alchemy and stuff! IT'S GREAT.

So I (FINALLY!) watched The LEGO Movie last night. Loved it. And I gotta say, you know how there's all this pearl-clutching* about how the very end joke is HORRIBLY SEXIST? I wonder how many of those people actually have younger siblings. Because I'm a big sister, and let me tell you, that ending KILLED me. Plus, it offered ( spoilers, and aren't I nice cutting these? )

If I were to point out any sexist problems with this movie, it'd be the bizarrely common trope wherein no matter how incredibly talented, hardworking, and all-around qualified a female character is, she'll always be eclipsed by some talentless doofus who is supposed to be indefinably Special.** Yeah, I know part of the movie's message is that everyone is special, but come on, maybe we can give shout-outs to actual hard work and skill for a change? Let's retire that particular plot device. Both in movies and in real life, if possible.

Don't get me wrong, that didn't ruin the movie for me. It was just the soap-flavored cilantro in this movie's otherwise delicious pico de gallo. I need to watch it about 20 more times just to see what all is going on in those action scenes.


FAVORITE LINE: "Do you think zeppelins are a bad investment?"

FAVORITE VISUAL GAG: President Lord Business's evil flowing necktie cape.


*Inaccurate pearl-clutching, at that--I believe Unikitty was ( SPOILER ) and furthermore, ( ALSO A SPOILER ).

**Seriously, FUCK YOU, Kung Fu Panda.

Mini Addy seems to have gotten the travel bug. When I went to California back in November (shut up I told you I'd get to this eventually), she came with me, because who doesn't like checking out new places? And California has so many interesting places to check out!



This time we're taking the train. Addy's been on road trips, plane trips, and even boat trips, but never on a train trip. And it's doubly exciting to board at 11:30 pm.



In the roomette Addy wanted the top bunk at first ...



... but then she realized it was more fun on the bottom because she could watch the lights go by through the window.



We made it to Sacramento! This was where Addy would meet my grandmother--and they got along very well. I knew they would!

( But THEN What Did We Do? )

So you might remember, a few weeks ago I took a trip to see some California family!

I figured I'd try trains because I hate plane travel, so if nothing else this would at least open up a different set of inconveniences and annoyances for me. But it was actually fun!

Preparing

MOM: ... and don't forget to pack underwear and say thank you and don't follow strangers into windowless vans and ...
AUNT: I brought you a travel kit of trail mix and handiwipes!
DAD: If any outlying family members offer you drugs, don't take them!
ME: Why is everyone so dang nervous about this?
MOM: What are you talking about? You're a ball of anxiety, yourself.
ME: Well, yes, but I get this way when I'm going to the grocery store. It's pretty much my default state. It's new with you guys.

So I hopped on the sleeper train, trailing a few more Momisms in my wake, and enjoyed a nice nighttime ride in my own little roomette, which was only occasionally interrupted by the car's tendency to lurch just enough to send me rolling into the wall. But this was still more tolerable when lying in the little bunk than when, say, trying to use the bathroom. But I could live with that sort of thing, because at least I didn't have PLANE NOISE crushing my skull. Did I mention I hate planes?

( Experience the EXPERIENCE! )

I harbor a lot of resentment for Peter Pan.

It’s not an out-and-out hatred. I mean, I was willing to see the Disney movie, and the movie version of Mary Martin as Mr. B Natural as Peter Pan, and I read the book version that my aunt had around the house, and I wasn't exactly furiously chucking the book across the room or anything. But I did always leave feeling ... rather put off.*

It took me a long time to articulate why. There were a lot of reasons. For one, Neverland seemed to be made up of a bunch of random elements that JM Barrie vaguely remembered finding appealing as a kid--the old-timey equivalent of something that nowadays would cram robots, aliens, superheroes, princesses, ponies, zombies, ninjas, and okay yeah pirates into a world without any logic or reason.** It was clearly a nostalgia’s-eye view of pretend time, and it was grating.

For another, Peter Pan was a schmuck. I could never tell if he was supposed to be endearingly self-centered and egomaniacal--like kids can be--or if it was meant as a slightly darker commentary on those same characteristics.*** No matter what, though, he seemed far too self-centered. Kids aren’t all that one-note shitty.

But mostly, it was the ladies.

I could not stand the female characters in Neverland. They were all written with such malice. Their automatic hostility toward Wendy was inexplicable and pointless--especially if it really was centered around the fact that they all wanted Peter’s attention, because the hell with him. Not a single character was likable, but the females got some extra attention paid to detailing their unlikability. And Wendy herself was an obnoxious load--whiny, helpless, codependent, and prone to forget that, you know, SHE COULD FUCKING FLY.

Which is still true in most adaptations. I stand by the fact that Wendy is a terrible character as originally written. However, I tend to run all the permutations of her together, so I missed something kind of excellent about Disney Wendy until my brother pointed it out: unlike with the other Wendys, Disney Wendy’s main character arc is the dawning realization that Neverland is bullshit.

And my brother is right.

When you watch it with that in mind, it's actually pretty great. In the beginning of the movie Wendy’s all for going to Neverland, and she’s clearly crushing on Peter. And then every single experience she has is a miserable disappointment. Woo, mermaids! Oh, hang on, mermaids are bratty and cliqueish. Woo, fairies! Oh, wait, they’re bratty too. Woo, Lost Boys! Holy shit never mind they just straight up tried to murder me. Woo, Indians! Oh GOD they are racist stereotypes and also they won’t let me join the party but keep making me gather firewood. Woo, pirates! Oh, right, they’re FUCKING PIRATES. Woo, Peter Pan! Oh, wait, this kid is a god damn SOCIOPATH. Everyone else acts stupid and childish, and finally she just can’t TAKE it anymore. So when she goes back to the real world--with, might I add, no implication that she’s gonna be trapped in some stupid one-sided relationship where Peter flies back to collect her for “spring cleaning” each year—she’s pretty much like “GET ME THE HELL OUT OF THIS NURSERY; I AM SO READY TO BE A GROWNUP.”

And suddenly the reason I still had a soft spot for Disney Wendy (well, that and the fact that I’m in love with Kathryn Beaumont’s voice work) was clear to me.

So yes, I still very much dislike Peter Pan. But it’s rather heartening to realize that Disney Wendy feels kind of the same way.


*Especially by the Mr. B Natural one, because I know stage rules are different, but man, they weren’t even TRYING to make the illusion work.

**I’m not saying these things can’t be awesome together, but you’ve got to WORK on it.

***Yes, I know they touched on that in the more recent live action movie, but it still didn’t quite fully grasp it.