The Desert Mermaid

So, you know how food in video games looks so dang good, to the point where you spend the first several days when you're playing Breath of the Wild making yourself mushroom omelets because they're so appetizing in the game? No? Just me? Okay. Well, that got me to toss some money to the Kickstarter for The Legend's Cookbook* back in the day, and damn if it wasn't a great investment. They have an excellent Mushroom Risotto recipe, and I've been messing with the culinary experiments they invite me on ever since.

And lately I tried their recipe for Glitched Ice Cream and I am hooked. I'm having a blast assembling ice cream cones and root beer floats and milkshakes and so forth. It's also fun to whip the stuff as it's freezing; no ice cream maker necessary!

Cooking experiments always get me researching the subject matter--the recipes or the ingredients or something. As a hobbit at heart, I'm a huge sucker for food anthropology. I like food, the science and the sensory stuff that goes with it. I like learning how people go about feeding themselves. And food manages to unjam writer's block when I get it. Add food to a scene and I can usually get things going again! So I'm entertaining myself lately with Ice Cream Facts, and delicious actual ice cream.


FUN FACT: In Mexico, ice cream was known as nieve, which means "snow." Men traditionally did the churning, and the men who did this were called neveros, which, given that vaquero (from vaca, "cow) translates to "cowboy," I like to interpret as "snowboys."


*They have a Majora's Mask-themed book too if you want that. Also, there's a Luigi's Mansion-inspired one! And one for just soup!

I think the funniest thing about Linkara's The Hobbit reviews (which I am rewatching at the moment) is that I don't disagree with any of the critiques he has to the storyline--it's all spot-on true for how to build a good story. The extra characters, the climax, Bilbo's role in it, the second climax, etc.--none is particularly good novel technique.

--And yet, at the same time, every single thing he critiques is another reason why The Hobbit is my favorite book in the world.

Most of it boils down to one thing--that it really is Bilbo's story. It gives us his point of view, and while he's a hero, he's not a Hero. So I like that the Dwarves are kind of an amorphous mass, with one or two personality traits materializing out of it sometimes, because I have the feeling that's kind of how I'd perceive it if I was sort of accidentally dragged on this adventure. I like how he was accidentally dragged on--for all that it's nice to show him consciously deciding to change his life in the movie, I like how Gandalf actually just flusters him into joining in the book. I really like that he bitches the whole damn way--I hadn't realized how important it was that he piss and moan all the way to the Lonely Mountain until it was taken away in the movies. Yeah, he's rising to the occasion, but by god, he's not happy about it.

But what I especially like is Linkara's big complaint--the double-climax and how Bilbo plays into it.

I like that he doesn't slay the dragon. I like that his contribution was a small one--a critical piece of information that would get around to some other hero to do the job. Here in a world were we can't actually do heroic, world-saving deeds, the idea of doing a small thing that still touches off a great change is a really uplifting one.

I like the Battle of Five Armies. Aftermath is difficult and more complicated than a usual denouement is. And your friends can turn into jerks even then.

And most of all, what I like is how Bilbo tries to handle the standoff leading up to the battle. His true bravery is in his attempt to make an outcome that works out best for everyone--trying to do the right thing despite his own friends' not appreciating that. And that he tries to solve it peacefully. And that he fails--but that everyone realizes what he was trying to do, and winds up respecting the hell out of him for it. He may have changed them a little more for next time--maybe they'll try a little harder to fix things.

So, yes. It doesn't really reflect everything we're used to in a story, but it's something I really love. His story is one of the small people who don't slay dragons or move mountains. He's just the guy who flubs his way through the adventure he's dragged on, trying to do mostly the right thing as he goes. It's not the person we like to imagine ourselves as, but it's rather nice to realize that the person we actually are, for all our flaws, can be respectable, too, in our own small and admirable ways.

And that he snarks the whole time. Really, I can't overstate how important it is that he whines so much.

Like most of my contemporary third-grade literati, I was a big fan of Brian Jacques' Redwall books, epic tales of the high adventures of mousies and their fellow woodland critters. They were an entirely new kind of fantasy for my narrow little brain in that they were almost completely devoid of magic--only a little bit of possibly mystical reincarnation, if that--but by god they were full of humor, swashbuckly swordfighting, heroic stunts, dastardly villains, colorful allies, and vivid settings.

And of course there was the food porn.

Oh, GOD, the food porn. I remember reading that Brian Jacques grew up in England during World War II, and if he wasn't exactly starving, there was never quite enough food, and what there was had an uninspiring quality to it. So he took to reading cookbooks like they were porn, and always lingered on feast scenes in the stories he was reading. And when he wrote his own stories, there was always at least one feast, with loving attention paid to describing every single dish on the menu. Holy shit when Mom read those books aloud to us we would get SO DAMN HUNGRY.

And the centerpiece of the food, for me, was always the moles' signature dish, the Turnip'n'Tater'n'Beetroot Deeper'n'Ever Pie. God DAMN that thing sounded good. In those days there was no Redwall Cookbook, and there MIGHT have been Redwall.net but the internet wasn't A Thing yet, so we just had to make up our own recipe. Mom tried many variations, but it wasn't till I came across a different book, Maggie Black's Medieval Cookbook, that it all came together. I combined her recipe for mushroom pasties with my own Deeper'n'Ever Pie recipe and voila! THE GREATEST FOOD EVER.

And I always celebrate Hobbit Day with one, because I think the hobbits and the moles would probably agree on what makes a damn fine savory pie, especially with the addition of mushrooms. So I'm gonna share my recipe with you, and if you want to celebrate a couple of great books with some great pie, be my guest!

Deeper'N'Ever Pie - Hobbit Variation

What You Need:

1-2 potatoes, peeled and small diced
1-2 carrots, peeled and small-diced
1-2 beets
1/2 lb mushrooms, sliced
1 small onion, chopped
2 cups cheddar cheese, shredded (well, to taste. I like cheese)*
extra-virgin olive oil
1/2 tsp. mustard powder
salt
pepper
2 pie crusts (I use Pillsbury because while I am good at some kitchen things, pie crusts are MYSTERIOUS ALCHEMY)

What You Do:

Preheat the oven to 350F.

Parboil the beets whole, until they are soft, in one saucepan. When they are done, peel them (they're easier to peel after they've been boiled) and small-dice them, then toss them in a big mixing bowl

While that's going on, parboil the chopped carrots and potatoes in another saucepan. Drain them and dump them into that same mixing bowl

Lightly saute the onions and mushrooms in olive oil. Add them to the bowl

Now toss the vegetables till they're good and mixed. Mix in 2-3 tablespoons olive oil, 1/2 tsp. mustard powder, and dashes of salt and pepper.

Mix in the shredded cheese.

Now put one of the pie crusts in your pie pan. Then dump the filling in!

Cover with the other pie crust. Pinch the crusts' edges together. Punch a few holes artistically in the top crust with a fork.

Bake for 30-35 minutes.

Ta-da! You have an amazing Deeper'n'Ever Pie to share with your friends. Mom likes it with sour cream (Mom likes EVERYTHING with sour cream), but I like it plain. Maybe with an apple beer or some ginger ale, or some mulled ginger apple cider if you have it on hand. But no matter how you serve it, enjoy--and raise a glass of whatever you're drinking with it to Brian Jacques, who wrote some amazing books. Here's to you, Mr. Jacques.


*I have no idea where the moles got cheese. Only bad guys seem to eat meat in the Redwall universe; the good guys WILL eat fish when it's available, but they're mostly vegetarian. They're only vegan because they have to be, though--I think there's a passing mention of cattle in Redwall itself, but that was the first one published and the continuity got retconned so there is no good source of milk. But by god Jacques wants cheese and cream and butter, so he cheats with something called "greensap milk." I'm cheating right back with "actual milk" products.

ME: Something sure smells good!

MOM: Yeah, I just made broccoli soup. It's not the cheesy kind you're used to.

ME: I can adapt! *secretly considers adding cheese*

MOM: Anyway, dinner's almost on. The soup is chilling now.

*phantom record scratch*

ME: ... Wait just a goddamn minute. "Chilling"?

MOM: The crock's in an ice bath.

ME: Oh. My. God. You've fallen for the "cold soup" scam, haven't you?

MOM: It is summer ...

ME: "COLD SOUP" IS BULLSHIT AND YOU KNOW IT

MOM: It has a very active tradition! What about gazpacho?

ME: GAZPACHO IS INFERIOR PICO DE GALLO SALSA. WITHOUT THE CHIPS.

MOM: Well, we've got plenty of other delicious food here, too!

ME: Hang on. Did you actually cook this soup before chilling it, or is it essentially some kind of broccoli smoothie?

MOM: Do I look like a barbarian? I cooked it, of course.

ME: Then it can still be saved! LONG LIVE THE MICROWAVE!

MOM: You just don't know how to expand your horizons.

ME: No, but I know the damn rules. You enjoy your crime against nature. I'm gonna heat up my soup. Incidentally, where's the cheese grater?

MOM: Hopeless.

We're a little heavy on the animation this quarter. For reasons!

What I Learned Since The Autumn Equinox

• Groucho Marx had some excellent writing, but his delivery needed work. You could say they were "rapid-fire" jokes, but I say he didn't give you time to get them.


• Looking up where to buy a simple pepper sprayer in case the stupid asshole pit bull next door breaks through the neighbors' poorly-maintained fence will lead you into an internet rabbit hole of super-paranoid home security products.


• Amtrak bunks are fun to use, but don't really help one sleep too well.


• You are required to sit with others on train dining cars.


• Sea Salt Caramel Cocoa is the New Thing.


• Birds are a very good indicator of the exact instant your fruit should be harvested. And you are on your own if you miss that instant.


• Sherlock is a pretty awesome show.


• Wine presses are fun to operate!


• Lauren MacMullan was the first woman to direct a Disney animated theatrical film. Good thing it was the unbelievably awesome "Get a Horse"!


• I was missing the concept of sisterly love as true love in Disney movies. And I didn't even know it.


• Twitter is a site capable of both great beauty and great horror. Social justice and mob rule both abound.


• Before being a full silent cinematic movie, Gertie the Dinosaur was meant as a Vaudeville act in which its creator, Winsor McKay, would play the part of her trainer.


• Some cats do play fetch.


• Studio Ghibli, in its previous incarnations, was responsible for the animation on those godawfully animated Rankin/Bass specials, including The Hobbit. Ghibli has come a long way.


• People with spinal cord injuries have to be careful not to scoot when transferring, since they can't feel if they catch on something or tear their skin.


• Pumpkins will ripen on your counter if it gets too cold to leave them outside.


• Columbus Day can be celebrated as the much less annoying Indigenous Peoples Day.


• And not all 15th- and 16th-Century Spaniards were mass-murdering fuckheads. That's nice to know.


• Selfies could be as old as art itself.


• When trying to create Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, one of the big concerns in selling it was whether audiences could actually become emotionally invested in cartoon characters. Oh, if only they knew.


• Another concern was that they had never actually made realistic cartoon characters--until this point they were all rubber-hose stretch-and-squash little funny animals. One of the reasons The Prince doesn't make much of an appearance was that they were still not entirely sure how to animate men without making them look stupid. (The Dwarfs don't count; they were squashy cartoon characters.)*


• Last thing about Snow White: the artists (or, as they're referred to in this interesting old-timey How A Cartoon Is Made short, "pretty girls") responsible for cel coloration decided that Snow White needed makeup--and so they simply applied their own blush to the cels. Disney reportedly worried that they might not know how to apply it correctly, which got him the Are You Fucking Kidding Me stare it deserved.

*I can see why Tolkien resented Disney. Here he's trying to make unVictorian, respectable Dwarves, and just a year later out come these goddamn doofuses. Singing about the washing-up, no less!** IT'S NOT LIKE THE DWARVES IN THE HOBBIT EVER SANG ABOUT THE WASHING-UP, RIGHT?! ... Oh, right.

**By the way, according to my DVD chapter menu, that song is entitled "Bluddle-Uddle-Um-Dum." You're welcome.

Okay, so The Desolation of Smaug was mostly unnecessary, and unlike the LotR movies it made the story LESS cohesive than its source material, but it was pretty darn fun.

Especially Smaug. Most of the changes from the book, while understandable from a cinematic adaptation's point of view, made it work LESS well--but I admit I like the moment when ( that one thing happens ) You really get a moment of "Damn, this hobbit is in over his head and he is terrified and he will ROCK IT ANYWAY." And I know Smaug really gets more screen time than he does in the book, but god dammit they had a big CGI DRAGON and they were gonna USE it.

Mostly it was really entertaining to see how much fun Peter Jackson and team were having. I squeaked and giggled at all their nods to the Middle Earth lore. And even the super dumb moments were usually so awesome that it didn't matter that they were, in fact, super dumb.* (The audience had the funniest reaction to the movie's little nod to Legolas and Gimli's future friendship. It was this I See What You Did There groan followed by a laugh at our own response.)

Although I did want to hang out with the spiders for longer. I wanted Bilbo's moment of kickassery to last. And anyway I was looking forward to those spiders, dangit.


*And a couple that they actually managed to NOT make super dumb despite all probabilities--for example, ( that one thing ) was actually rather sweet and well-played. And probably not going to end well, if we're gonna follow the book.

So a couple weeks ago, my family and I went to Grand Teton National Park. And, this being Modern Times, we all brought cameras. So now, you lucky dogs you, you get to see my vacation slides!



Coming at you, Jackson--and I am all ready for Nature Science. In the back pocket of that vest (damn I love that vest*) are about eight more little pamphlets on identifying plants, animals, rocks, etc..

That hat, by the way, is one I bought earlier this summer. It came with a veritable NOVEL of helpful instructions and other ephemera. Thing deserves its own entry, frankly.

Hey, who's that down in my pocket? Is that Mini Addy? Do you suppose she had adventures of her own in the Tetons? FORESHADOWING!)



Wilderness disco party! WOO!

( More under here! WOO! )

While my family was having adventures, Mini Addy had a few of her own. I'll put those together in the next few days!


*Dad was not sure about it because of the size issue: I was getting it from the men's section, which did not take into account some aspects of my topography. It's tough to find a women's vest with even five thousand pockets, though. For all that, I am really pleased with how it fits!

So my friend is an English teacher, and this year she decided to teach The Hobbit to her seventh graders. She asked me if I have any ideas about what to teach them. I think she was expecting a few thoughts. I NOW HAVE TWO SEMESTERS' WORTH OF LESSON PLANS.

Now to get a teaching certificate and go find some seventh graders.

At the moment we're discussing how Joseph Campbell's monomyth relates to The Hobbit.* I'm arguing the case that stopping at Rivendell counts as a Meeting With The Goddess. My case is that the Goddess is more a convenient archetype meant to suggest a well-known meeting of a sage guiding figure, and also that Elves are incredibly fabulous. I am glad she's more interested in my academic argument than my spurious bullshit, though, because otherwise I would have to pull out The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert as Exhibit A arguing Elrond's goddesslike qualities, and my friend is Mormon, so it would go unviewed.

Maybe we'll just skip right on to the Atonement. There are fewer drag queens involved.

(I'm always surprised at how overtly gendered Campbell's theory is. I think he's pretty cool, but to start with "The meeting with the Father Figure" and then immediately have to explain that the father figure doesn't necessarily have to be your dad or even a MAN tells me you need to find better terminology. Also, it tells me that George Lucas has always been one damned literal bastard.)


*Answer: pretty much exactly.

Nothing like watching all the appendix bullshit on the Lord of the Rings DVDs to get one motivated to do some worldbuilding. When Richard Taylor's declaiming* about the backgrounds of different varieties of Orc helmets, or how they tried to advance armor to make it look like things changed over centuries, you can't help but want to put more detail into your own world's culture and customs. Quite useful to have on as background noise, really.

Why yes I AM on a Tolkien kick lately; thanks for noticing!


*As far as I can tell, Sir Richard Taylor, KNZM, has "declaim" as his ONLY setting. Everything he says sounds like he's practicing a dramatic reading of some epic medieval saga.

I may not be able to argue with Christopher Tolkien, but I have to say I agree far more with this article about The Hobbit--especially since my recent curiosity about Tolkien's languages has led to another attempt to read The Silmarillion.*

I'll add, though, that one of the best things about the movies is the pure JOY with which they take you on a tour of Middle-Earth. I suppose Radagast the Brown could have been edited out, Saruman needn't really have made an appearance, the plate-juggling didn't have to be there, and the Stone Giants were over the top. But before you dismiss them as useless nods to bookish Tolkien nerds, I want you to remember James Cameron's Avatar.

My response to Avatar could best be described as an intense, burning indifference. Before it came out the producers made much of the fact that it was a carefully constructed other world, with its own ecosystem and language and culture. And yet, when you saw the movie, you realized that the glowing world of Pandora lacked personality. Three hours went by and at the end of it I somehow cared less about everyone involved. I was vaguely familiar with maybe two Na'vi (Neytiri and Tsu'tey), but I couldn't conceive of what Neytiri did when she WASN'T shepherding Jake The Dumbass around. I didn't know whether there were favorite swimming holes. I didn't know who made Neytiri's formal necklace. I didn't find out what other villagers did with their time. I didn't even know any other Na'vi names, in a movie that was purportedly meant to showcase their world.** Nobody told off-color jokes that didn't translate, nobody had a favorite fruit, nobody played an instrument, nobody secretly saved Grace's giant copy of The Lorax because it was fascinatingly alien. They were just a mass of Na'vi.***

And they hardly dwell on the world. The great wonders are passed by in favor of dragging the dull plot along. "Oh, yeah, we've got hammerheaded peacock rhinoceroses. Meh. Let's have another heavy-handed argument with the speciesist CEO!"

Now remember the delight with which Radagast shows off his rabbits, or Bilbo sits down to a nice little bathrobe dinner, or the weird little minion of the Goblin King goes zip-stringing off the scaffolding. The movie is really proud of itself and completely in love with its source material, and it wants you to share that joy. And that doesn't just mean sweeping panoramas, but also the minute details. And since even Peter Jackson can't cram every wonderful thing into a movie, the details that do show up have to suggest that this world is going on even when you aren't looking at it. The Hobbit does that. Avatar not so much.

That, I think, is what a lot of people are missing. And yet it's the delight of stories (hell, that's the whole point of our own Torn World--to showcase both a big world AND the wonderful little people living day-to-day in it). So if you ever feel tempted to gripe about those Stone Giants, just remember that they'd have improved the hell out of Avatar.


*I tried to read it in high school, but quickly discovered that Tolkiens Sr. and Jr. have all the abilities of a history textbook writer and more when it comes to making totally goddamn badass tales staggeringly boring. If my brain goes numb while reading about a battle with a giant spider, you need to spiff up your storytelling.

**There's a moment in the film when Jake has had his vision quest or something--not actually shown--and has Become One Of The Tribe, when Neytiri points out that he can now "choose a woman." She then lists a couple of women in the tribe--Jane is the best singer, Sharon sure knows how to kill the everloving shit out of a deer--while obviously hoping Jake will pick her. What was supposed to be a cute, romantic moment in the film was completely lost on me while I grappled with the idea that Jake even KNEW any other women in the tribe. BECAUSE I SURE DIDN'T.

***Na'vi language creator Paul Frommer seems to be battling this anonymity single-handedly, or at least few-handedly with the help of a small but dedicated squad of hardcore Na'vi learners. His blog is a lot more fun than the movie, and the sample sentences tell you a lot more about Na'vi life, as well!