The Desert Mermaid

I don't mean to brag, but I think the Space Place's booth at the SLC Library Party was FAR cooler than Grant Imahara's. Sure, Grant Imahara has his face on the cover of a magazine, but did he have a vacuum chamber with a balloon* for demonstrations of air pressure? And yes, Grant Imahara might be on a popular long-running TV show, but I didn't see HIM with a bucket of liquid nitrogen he could use to shatter racquetballs. And what's that? Grant Imahara makes totally awesome robots, you say? Well, I'll bet HE wasn't letting kids make bracelets with UV color-change beads to take home with them! Also, Grant Imahara may have been giving out autographs, but by god we had an actual METEOR, that you could touch and everything!

In conclusion, I am pretty sure Grant Imahara's booth only got patronized because our booth was too crowded. You're welcome, Grant Imahara.

And I may not have gotten to meet him, but that's okay because I was very busy demonstrating SCIENCE! CAN YOU SAY THE SAME, GRANT IMAHARA?

Ah, well. I'm sure one day our paths will cross. SOMEDAY, GRANT IMAHARA. SOMEDAY.


*I'd like you all to note that I did not once panic about the balloon. Progress!

So after all that grumbling I did about getting to the Liberry through the snow, while staying home this weekend I realied that I really enjoy not having to drive across the universe all the time. That, combined with a few other factors, made me decide to turn in my two weeks' notice today.

At the moment I'm going to start working more at Dad's office and looking for a job closer to home. I'll miss a lot about the Liberry--I love the people and a lot of aspects of the job--but I will not miss the commute.

Now I just have to see about returning that giant stack of books at the end of my bed. At least I'll quit picking up new ones with quite the same frequency.

Why is it whenever I manage to actually return six things to the library, I find eight more things that need checking out?

I have no idea what I'll do if I ever quit working there. I LIKE regularly visiting the vast expanse of human knowledge. You just KNOW it wouldn't be the same if it stopped being my job.

COWORKER: Hey, do we give out rubber bands when patrons ask for them?

ME: Not unless you want them weaponized.


Also, today's Librarian Achievement was sending a family home with Jeremy Thatcher, Dragon Hatcher AND Into the Land of the Unicorns for read-aloud time. I am the right person to ask when your kids like dragons and magic.

Some well-meaning soul has been leaving Chick Tracts in the nooks and crannies of the Liberry. I keep finding them tucked next to the catalogs or on the edges of tables. So far I have not yet been convinced to be saved, but I have been haunted by that weird feeling you get when something from the Land Of Internet Crazies manifests in the physical world. Sorry, mystery evangelist. Probably not what you were going for.

Today while my coworker and I were in the picture book section, a lady approached us.

"Excuse me," she said. "Maybe you can help me. Can you recommend a picture book that will get children to go to sleep?"

My coworker and I paused for a few seconds too long in order to share a guilty, awkward glance.

The lady eyed us hopefully.

"... not offhand," I finally managed.

"Come on," my coworker said when she had recovered. "I can help you find some."

Later, when the lady had left satisfied, I glanced over.

"You were thinking of Go The Fuck To Sleep too, weren’t you," I said.

"I have a two-year-old," she said. "I am never not thinking about that book."

"We are to be congratulated on our restraint," I said.

"Truly we are bastions of professionalism."

Someday I’m gonna look that book up in the system when someone asks for a bed time book, and straightfacedly steer them toward it. Hopefully, it’ll be the audiobook, because Samuel L Jackson makes everything that much more relaxing at bedtime. Right?

Had a bunch of terrifying nightmares last night. Most of ’em were your standard Watchin’ Too Many Horror Movies types, like the big scary spaceship full of mutant monsters and spacesuits doing like they did in that Doctor Who episode with the man-eating shadows, and also for some reason a bear. Not, like, a mutant bear, either—just your basic run-of-the-mill bear. At least he was on our side.

Anyway, that was rough, but at least we had both Hikaru Sulu and Han Solo there to work out the mess. The really scary dream was the one that was basically Dawn of the Dead, only instead of a shopping mall, it was the Liberry, and instead of zombies, it was crabby patrons who REALLY HAD TO USE THE COMPUTER. The whole dream was spent running to an estimated eight thousand ports of entry to try to lock them, screaming “We’re CLOSED, motherfuckers!”, and threatening to call the police while they kept wedging their feet in the doors and chanting “GAMES. GAAAAAMES.” I found myself wondering if I’d ever see my family again.

The best horror stories are those that could actually happen, after all.


(Incidentally, I made a discovery about that a few weeks ago: as soon as a patron comes up and bitches that the First-Come, First-Served policy for computer use should change to Grownups Get First Bid Because They Are Important, I bristle. Yeah, I make endless fun of the kids who come in to use their two daily computer turns for a round of Lego Dudes Wandering Around, or Pin The Dresses On The Sparkleponies, or other such items of business, but hey, it’s important to them. Plus, kids have homework sometimes—and grownups are just as guilty of so-called “timewasting.” Don’t knock the noisy little Flash-playing hard-swearing twerps.)

All right, who's up for Crazy Library Stories? Because yesterday was Crazy Library Story Day!

Crazy Library Story #1: The Textbook "Disruptive Patron"

LADY: That man on the computer next to me is swearing a lot! I told him to stop and he started swearing at ME!

ME: Right, I am sure I can handle this. Sir, we have received a complaint that you are causing a disturbance. Please try to--

ANGRY YOUNG ASPIRING GANGSTA: I'm causing it? What about her? I'm really stressed out and she can't just mind her own business!

ME: I'm sorry you're stressed, sir, but you will still have to modulate--

LADY: Oh, yeah? I wasn'the one who said "Shut the ... fffuck up"!

GANGSTA BOY: You should just leave me alone!

LADY: Why don't YOU just--

ME: Uh, ma'am, I can handle this. Please go about your business.

GANGSTA BOY'S GIRLFRIEND: Don't make him mad; it'll just get worse!

ME: Oh, good grief. Sir--

GANGSTA BOY: I HAVE ANGER MANAGEMENT ISSUES!

*GANGSTA BOY starts to dramatically breathe in what he imagines to be an anger management fashion to show me JUST HOW CLOSE I am to making him punch me, and how much he's trying to save me from my own folly. I start to wonder if that technique does get touted for anger management, inasmuch as if he keeps it up he's gonna pass out and presumably not be angry anymore. His girlfriend continues to beg us not to exacerbate his anger. I can see her future from here, and it sucks*

ME: *calmly, while attempting not to eyeroll* I'm sorry, sir, but this is your warning. If you don't calm down you'll have to leave the building.

*GANGSTA BOY subsides into rebellious muttering. I return to my coworker, who has been sitting in her own little bubble at the counter directly behind this exchange*

ME: (quietly) So, yeah, keep an eye on him.

COWORKER: Huh? What? Did something happen?

ME: It feels good to know you have my back when things get tough.

---

Crazy Library Story #2: Fangirling

THIRD-GRADE GIRL: I finished this book!

ME: Great! gonna read another now?

HER TUTOR: I'm looking at reading lists.

ME: Well, what do you like? Fantasy? Science fiction?

THIRD-GRADER: History stories.

ME: Well, we've got plenty of those--Catherine, Called Birdy, the Royal Diaries, Dear America, American Girl. I like American Girl.

THIRD-GRADER: Do you know American Girl Dolls?

ME: DO I KNOW THEM?

*rapid fangirling between librarian and third-grader follows: "OMG I HAVE MOLLY!" "I HAVE ELIZABETH!" "DID YOU SEE THE NEW ONES?" "I LIKED SAMANTHA, TOO!" "ISN'T KANANI AWESOME?" The tutor looks on in disbelief*

ME: Well, if you need any American Girl books, let me know!

Later

COWORKER: *processing holds* Amelia, why do you have this American Girl book on hold?

ME: You are not having a very aware day, are you?

---

Crazy Library Story #3: The Mystery Injury

COWORKER: Hey, my friend! What happened to your leg?

CANE-TOTING DUDE: ... You know, I don't even know. It just started hurting one day. I'm having it looked at tomorrow.

ME: That's too bad! I hope it's nothing serious. In the meantime, though you should just start making up stories about your injury. "Oh, I was in a swordfight." "I was rescuing a box of kittens from the second floor of a burning building." "Ninjas cornered me in an alley." "A big old meteor caught my foot as I was diving out of its way."

CANE-TOTING DUDE: That's a great idea!

ME: Do like my brother did when he broke his foot--never tell the same story twice.

CANE-TOTING DUDE: Don't worry! I'm going to spend the rest of the afternoon making up more!

ME: Good man. If you've got to be injured, you might as well have some fun with it.


So yeah, my day yesterday was lively. I also wound up translating for both Spanish-speaking patrons and one Deaf patron--I'll be damned if I thought I remembered that much ASL--and wound up hunting down more weird book requests than ever. Good thing today was a day off, because otherwise I'd be as wrapped up in a bubble by now as my coworker. Crazy should come in smaller doses.

Today another aide told me, “I can always tell when you’ve been here because everything’s already cleaned up. It makes things so much easier.”

She doesn’t know how close she got to a tearful hug. At least somebody thinks I’m doing my job right.

NEW LIBRARY BOSS: I've been thinking. This library needs a bunny! You can take care of it, and the kids can read to it--

LIBRARIANS: ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY?


This new manager may take longer to get a clue than I thought.