bloodyrosemccoy | Spaghetti Sauce Time!

About three months ago my sister

sunshine_shaman and I made us some spaghetti sauce, and took pictures so we could show y’all how to make our famously amazing sauce. Since then, she’s been after me to post it. “For crying out loud,” she said. “People are putting olives in their sauce! They must be stopped!”

This is true. The word of Grandma’s Spaghetti Sauce must be spread. So, by god, it is time to stop procrastinating and MAKE SOME DAMN SAUCE.

Here is what you’ll need:

-4-5 12-oz cans of tomato paste. The family insists that Contadina is the best, but it’s tough to find around here, so Hunt’s will work for today.
-3 cans of water to every can of paste
-1 green pepper
-1½ cup sliced mushrooms
-4 large garlic cloves
-olive oil

And then the really important stuff …

Seasonings!

-2 2/3 Tbsp salt
-1 ½ Tbsp Italian seasoning
-1 Tbsp dried oregano
-1 Tbsp parsley
-4 Tbsp basil
-¾ tsp ground cinnamon (I’ve got it in the same bowl as the cloves here, because I ran out of little bowls)
-¾ tsp ground cloves
-dash of pepper (in with the salt in this photo)
-6 bay leaves (not pictured)

All of these measurements were obtained in a somewhat roundabout way: Grandma never measured, she’d just pinch and dash. So one time when she made this sauce, Mom would stop her before she actually tossed each seasoning into the pot, measure the amount, and write it down. So yeah, it’s variable.

Two more thing you’ll need, in case you haven’t guessed already. First, you are going to need a big damn pot. This recipe makes a lot of sauce. It’s got to reduce, you see, so you start with a ton. But don’t worry: your friends will be appy to take home leftovers. If you don’t have friends, you will once you make this.

The second thing you will need is time. Start this midmorning, or you will have spaghetti juice instead of spaghetti sauce.

Anyway.

Chop peppers, crush garlic, slice mushrooms.

Saute the peppers and garlic in a couple tablspoons of olive oil on medium low until soft.

Shroomify. Give it another couple of minutes.

All right, got your 3:1 cans of water and tomato paste? Good. Dump ’em all in! It will look like gazpacho at this point. Don’t panic! It’s supposed to look this way.

While you’re bringing it to a boil, stir in the seasonings!

Okay, dangit, I would like to say this about cinnamon and cloves: they MAKE the sauce. Everyone always looks at me with amazement when I say that they are the secret ingredient. Then they try my sauce. And they do not question Grandma’s wisdom after that.

Trust me. Cinnamon. You’ll thank me.

Okay, got that all set up? Seasonings added, sauce is boiling? Great!

If you don’t want meatballs you can leave it now. Cover it with a splatter shield if you’ve got one, reduce the heat to low, and let that puppy sit there for five or six hours.

But seriously, who doesn’t want meatballs? Come on, let’s make some meatballs while the sauce is just starting to simmer.

Okay, here’s where it gets a little difficult for me. Don’t get me wrong, I make terrific meatballs. But I am not entirely sure how. I don’t measure the ingredients at this part. I just mix them together until they are the correct meatball consistency, and I only know it’s right after they’re all mixed, so it’s hard to pull them apart again and measure what I used. But here’s a rough estimate of what I use:

-1 lb ground beef
-1 egg
-1½ - 2 cups bread crumbs—I use the Progresso Italian Style crumbs in the cardboard tubes, but we have been known to use crushed saltines in a pinch. Those don’t taste quite as good, but they are lots of fun to whack with a meat tenderizer to crush.
-1/3 cup each of finely chopped onions and celery. Maybe? I’m not sure. Once again, I always just add until I’ve got the right stuff. Experiment!

Mix these all together with your fingers, unless you’re my sister, at which point you should ask someone who is willing to handle raw meat to do it for you.

Meatballs should hold their shape firmly and not fall apart on you when you get their consistency right. Do not listen to Dad, who likes to tell you that when a raw meatball sticks to the wall it is ready. He is pulling your leg.

Brown the meatballs on low. You don’t need to cook them through, just get their outsides browned. Once that happens, toss ’em into the sauce. They’ll finish cooking over the next few hours.

Okay, now you meat-lovers can cover it, reduce the heat, and simmer. And then you can go off and play racquetball, or help your friend move, or watch the entire Star Wars trilogy (the good one), or whatever you feel like, until dinnertime, as long as you check on it periodically to make sure it hasn’t taken over your kitchen.

All righty! Almost dinnertime!

Oh, thank god, it’s thickened. And don’t it look delicious?

Hang on, aren’t we forgetting something? Seems there should be one more thing here …

Oh, right.

The spaghetti package should tell you how to cook it. It’s not hard. Bring water to a boil, add spaghetti, let boil ten minutes, drain, and coat with olive oil. At least that wasn’t hard, right?

Now serve it! I like garlic bread on the side with mine, but that’s optional. And don’t forget the parmesan!

One last word of warning: don’t eat all of this at once. It’s tempting, but it never turns out well. If worst comes to worst, you can freeze the sauce—yes, it’s not quite as good, but hey, it’s still damn fine sauce!

There you have it. If y’all insist on making inferior spaghetti sauce after I have shown you the light, that’s your problem. But give this a shot! It’s fun to make, and damn tasty. See if I'm wrong.