Lethal Weapons

[bloodyrosemccoy]

I need to invent a new martial art.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love me some tae kwon do. The concentration on leg movements is right up my alley, and I still get a good arm workout. And I figure I can at least damage an attacker a little bit in a fight, which is always handy.

But as I was running through forms yesterday, I kept realizing that there’s just one thing that makes it a bit awkward.

Okay, two things.

I mean, I have a sports bra, but even when crushed, the great uniboob is still there, complicating things. How in the hell am I supposed to do snap middle-blocks when my elbow keeps rebounding off my chest? How can I do that special move in one of my forms where the hands come together, arms straight, and point them at the floor? They either wind up resting on the top and pointing at an angle, or I have to just squeeze the boobs between my biceps, and either way it looks ridiculous.

And I’m afraid to spar because chest kicks have always presented something of a pain issue.

I’m hoping exercise brings them down to manageable portions, but until then I need another martial art. So I propose that women with this particular attribute start our own school,* the school of tae kwon boob do. We would learn moves that could be done around our enormous chests, we could figure out how to block attacks to that area, and during warm-ups there would be no shame in the Run-And-Clutch or the Jumping Jacks With Arms Folded.** Along with belts our symbols of achievement will be colored bras. And we would kick everyone’s ass.

Come on, you just know this would catch on. Who’s with me?


*With blackjack! And hookers!

**And don’t try to tell me that the Run-And-Clutch is made unnecessary with the proper support. I have gotten the proper support. I also have stretch marks.

Comments

[bean-bunny.livejournal.com]

I'd be with you, but I'd get laughed out of kwon boob do so fast.

[bean-bunny.livejournal.com]

Or should it be tit kwon do?

[padparadscha.livejournal.com]

Nah, tits are smaller. These are definitely boobs.

[die-monster.livejournal.com]

I heard The Doctor say that and I'm STILL laughing.

[gwalla.livejournal.com]

"From a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint, it's more like a big ball of breastakaboobical chestakamammical, pendular globular... stuff."

[die-monster.livejournal.com]

Not booby-wooby? Please let it be booby-wooby.

[padparadscha.livejournal.com]

I salute your reference, sir!

[pandoras-closet.livejournal.com]

I fully support this idea.

[padparadscha.livejournal.com]

*rim shot*

[pandoras-closet.livejournal.com]

Yup

[kadharonon.livejournal.com]

Oh dear god I need something like that. Yeah, the sports bra squishes them, but they still bounce and hurt when I try to exercise, and get in the way when I try to do things with my arms.

And as far as chest hits go... there's a good reason fencers wear breastplates.

[padparadscha.livejournal.com]

We've got enormous pads, (I mean, ones that go on top of the natural enormous pads) but the trouble with this is that it's blunt force trauma. There's still a lot of momentum transfer.

[tsita.livejournal.com]

You should see what they look like after breast feeding. Oy...

Another large chested friend and I were talking, trying to figure out why they make sports bras for the chicks who just don't have anything to support? Really?

My nipples are bigger than their breasts.

[agenttrojie.livejournal.com]

Ooh, ooh, can I join?

My mother's wedding photographer insisted on making the bridal party do a romantic run down the beach, which ended in about ten photos of me doing a run-and-clutch, my sister Emma refusing to run at all and thus getting left behind, and my sister Viv who was in strapless dress doing a run-and-hike-up-garments. The photos are NOT DIGNIFIED.

[padparadscha.livejournal.com]

Oh, good god. The things that don't cross others' minds. "A beach run? THAT'S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE."

[agenttrojie.livejournal.com]

Tell me about it! Also the photographer had the three of us bridesmaids hike up amongst the marram grass and the very hot dune sand for another picture ... so we got lacerated and burnt. The smiles in those photos are a little more forced than some of the others, I must admit ...

But your martial art sounds fabulous. One of my main issues with organised exercise, or exercise in company, is that my boobs will NOT ever cooperate.

[padparadscha.livejournal.com]

I did swimming for a while for just that reason. Hooray for buoyancy! (I should find a pool around here.)

[agenttrojie.livejournal.com]

Ooh, buoyancy. I love the swimming pool. I swear, my posture improves a hundredfold as soon as I get in a swimming pool ..

[beccastareyes]

Suddenly I'm glad we just had the women in the party sinking into the turf in our heels whenever we stood still for outside photos.

[agenttrojie.livejournal.com]

Given it was summer,we didn't have too much sinking going on cos the lawn was baked hard as ceramic (and I abandoned my shoes ASAP, as well :D)

[kjpepper.livejournal.com]

Sign me up. Also metaquotes nau.

[padparadscha.livejournal.com]

I must admit, this school is going to present some problems with the commute.

And go for it!

[blacktigr.livejournal.com]

I play Capoeira, and last week we were doing one-handed cartwheels. I had one hand on the ground and the other crossed over my chest...

I like the idea of curvy-girl martial arts.

[flutterbychild.livejournal.com]

I'm in!

[florahart]

Here from MQ.

Right there with you; it is my belief that the makers of sports bras have never met any boobsome women, and require additional training.

More seriously, I wear a regular hook in back non-uniboob-making sports bra under a pullover sports bra for anything that involves jumping, running, etc; this works marginally better than other approaches tried.

[ellixis.livejournal.com]

This bra is worth its price and delivers. I have never before encountered a sports bra that truly works for me. DDRing with this bra on makes my ass and belly bounce more than my boobs. Also, cuts my Ds to low B size when worn - when they say "major masher bra" they really, really mean it. Purchased originally for binding purposes. Works well for that too.

[ftmichael.livejournal.com]

I'm a Transgender guy and I used the Frog as a binder for years before I had top surgery - I was probably a large A or small B. I can't recommend it enough. It really is amazing. Just be sure to buy a proper size, not a too-small one! It will mash you enough without you futzing with the sizing. Getting one that's too small will just inhibit your breathing. :P

If you're bigger than perhaps a C, especially if the tissue is denser (you stick out more rather than hanging down), try the double-front or the tri-top from http://ftm.underworks.com/ . They're terrific binders and very popular. Again, be sure to get the proper size!

Do they not give you a chest protector? Could you buy one and bring it with you?

[padparadscha.livejournal.com]

Given the physical discomfort ordinary masher bras cause me, I'm not sure a binder would work--but I admit it never even occurred to me before.

Sparring includes a chest protector, which works for shock absorption but also is not exactly tailored, and you still can get banged up. For forms and drills where there's no getting kicked, you don't really need one.

[sriti.livejournal.com]

When you say exercise will bring them down to manageable proportions, do you mean just general exercise, or something just for bringing down the boobs? If its for the boobs, please let me know what it is!

[padparadscha.livejournal.com]

Well, if you're overweight then general exercise helps because you lose excess adipose tissue from everywhere, including breasts. You can't get rid of the glandular tissue, though--but the good news is exercises that strengthen your pectorals (bench pressing, push-ups, chest press, arm rotations, etc.) will also help build up support for the breasts.

[baby-rissa-chan.livejournal.com]

I'd sign up for classes!

[tay421.livejournal.com]

Somewhere deep inside of me can't help but continue the joke--

In fact, forget the school and the blackjack!

[padparadscha.livejournal.com]

Eh, screw the whole thing.

[ravenofdreams.livejournal.com]

Sign me up! I'm not even that large-chested, but some of the iaido lunges just HURT.

[michellerz.livejournal.com]

I would TOTALLY be a student in the great school of tai-kwon-boob-do, sensai.

GAH, I hate the Run-And-Clutch. Equally offensive to my body is the Climb-And-Clutch, which is the variation done when going up and down stairs in a hurry.

[queenlyzard.livejournal.com]

You need a chainmail bra, a la Xena, Warrior Princess.