bloodyrosemccoy (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bloodyrosemccoy) wrote2009-06-27 03:13 pm
bloodyrosemccoy) wrote2009-06-27 03:13 pm
Entry tags:
Lethal Weapons
I need to invent a new martial art.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I love me some tae kwon do. The concentration on leg movements is right up my alley, and I still get a good arm workout. And I figure I can at least damage an attacker a little bit in a fight, which is always handy.
But as I was running through forms yesterday, I kept realizing that there’s just one thing that makes it a bit awkward.
Okay, two things.
I mean, I have a sports bra, but even when crushed, the great uniboob is still there, complicating things. How in the hell am I supposed to do snap middle-blocks when my elbow keeps rebounding off my chest? How can I do that special move in one of my forms where the hands come together, arms straight, and point them at the floor? They either wind up resting on the top and pointing at an angle, or I have to just squeeze the boobs between my biceps, and either way it looks ridiculous.
And I’m afraid to spar because chest kicks have always presented something of a pain issue.
I’m hoping exercise brings them down to manageable portions, but until then I need another martial art. So I propose that women with this particular attribute start our own school,* the school of tae kwon boob do. We would learn moves that could be done around our enormous chests, we could figure out how to block attacks to that area, and during warm-ups there would be no shame in the Run-And-Clutch or the Jumping Jacks With Arms Folded.** Along with belts our symbols of achievement will be colored bras. And we would kick everyone’s ass.
Come on, you just know this would catch on. Who’s with me?
*With blackjack! And hookers!
**And don’t try to tell me that the Run-And-Clutch is made unnecessary with the proper support. I have gotten the proper support. I also have stretch marks.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I love me some tae kwon do. The concentration on leg movements is right up my alley, and I still get a good arm workout. And I figure I can at least damage an attacker a little bit in a fight, which is always handy.
But as I was running through forms yesterday, I kept realizing that there’s just one thing that makes it a bit awkward.
Okay, two things.
I mean, I have a sports bra, but even when crushed, the great uniboob is still there, complicating things. How in the hell am I supposed to do snap middle-blocks when my elbow keeps rebounding off my chest? How can I do that special move in one of my forms where the hands come together, arms straight, and point them at the floor? They either wind up resting on the top and pointing at an angle, or I have to just squeeze the boobs between my biceps, and either way it looks ridiculous.
And I’m afraid to spar because chest kicks have always presented something of a pain issue.
I’m hoping exercise brings them down to manageable portions, but until then I need another martial art. So I propose that women with this particular attribute start our own school,* the school of tae kwon boob do. We would learn moves that could be done around our enormous chests, we could figure out how to block attacks to that area, and during warm-ups there would be no shame in the Run-And-Clutch or the Jumping Jacks With Arms Folded.** Along with belts our symbols of achievement will be colored bras. And we would kick everyone’s ass.
Come on, you just know this would catch on. Who’s with me?
*With blackjack! And hookers!
**And don’t try to tell me that the Run-And-Clutch is made unnecessary with the proper support. I have gotten the proper support. I also have stretch marks.
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And as far as chest hits go... there's a good reason fencers wear breastplates.
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Another large chested friend and I were talking, trying to figure out why they make sports bras for the chicks who just don't have anything to support? Really?
My nipples are bigger than their breasts.
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My mother's wedding photographer insisted on making the bridal party do a romantic run down the beach, which ended in about ten photos of me doing a run-and-clutch, my sister Emma refusing to run at all and thus getting left behind, and my sister Viv who was in strapless dress doing a run-and-hike-up-garments. The photos are NOT DIGNIFIED.
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But your martial art sounds fabulous. One of my main issues with organised exercise, or exercise in company, is that my boobs will NOT ever cooperate.
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And go for it!
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I like the idea of curvy-girl martial arts.
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Right there with you; it is my belief that the makers of sports bras have never met any boobsome women, and require additional training.
More seriously, I wear a regular hook in back non-uniboob-making sports bra under a pullover sports bra for anything that involves jumping, running, etc; this works marginally better than other approaches tried.
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If you're bigger than perhaps a C, especially if the tissue is denser (you stick out more rather than hanging down), try the double-front or the tri-top from http://ftm.underworks.com/ . They're terrific binders and very popular. Again, be sure to get the proper size!
Do they not give you a chest protector? Could you buy one and bring it with you?
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Sparring includes a chest protector, which works for shock absorption but also is not exactly tailored, and you still can get banged up. For forms and drills where there's no getting kicked, you don't really need one.
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In fact, forget the school and the blackjack!
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GAH, I hate the Run-And-Clutch. Equally offensive to my body is the Climb-And-Clutch, which is the variation done when going up and down stairs in a hurry.
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