Like A Rock ~ Fukitoff Fails

[bloodyrosemccoy]

Well, unfortunately, going off Fukitol didn’t work as well as we may have hoped, what with the late night panic attacks and the crushing despair and all. Back on Fukitol I go.

However, since I was trying to go off that one because I’m tired of waking up with half my face contorted like Popeye’s, or having the floor slide out from under me whenever I turn my head, I am going to find me another brand.

This could take a while.

I don’t think the one I’m on right now is a winner. I have finally discovered what people mean when they say they felt “unmotivated” on antidepressants. I always get a certain measure of inertia on them, but this one goes beyond a bit of unmotivation. At this point, activity has been rendered almost purely theoretical. It’s a very strangely numb feeling.

So I think I’m going to have to do a few trials again.

Damn. I hate these reminders that chronic conditions are … well … chronic. Depression sucks.

Comments

[bean-bunny.livejournal.com]

Okay, so this is what I don't understand about Depression.

Isn't the disease caused by a mutation which makes your synapses release serotonin than other people without it? Or something equivalent to what I said? I understand why drugs fix the problem, but it seems like you'd have to stay on them for the rest of your life. Right?

I guess what I'm saying is I don't understand how or if Depression is cured.

[thewrongcrowd.livejournal.com]

The explanation I have seen (and used) is that depression, like diabetes, is treated, not cured. And although some people are able to go medication-free (due to behavior modification, life-changes, whatever) or have short-term issues (post-partum depression, depression associated with trauma, etc.) many chronically depressed ultimately spiral and decide that the pluses of meds are worth the minuses.

Not only do the synapses release serotonin* too rapidly, but chronic depression is associated over time (and untreated) with a decrease in numbers of serotonin receptors. So it's a doubly vicious mechanism.

_{Aw, darn. I no longer have my Paxil icon. ;)}

*Serotonin is the best known, but research is pretty solid implicating dopamine and norepi receptors as well.

[luinmir.livejournal.com]

This.

It may help, in this case, to think of depression as a collection of symptoms rather than having one discrete cause. Some people can get better with short-term meds plus cognitive therapy, but some cannot.

Frankly, there are so many factors to psychological illness that it's almost impossible to give a definitive answer to any one individual's experience of depression. Not to mention the the medications we have today - while better than they used to be - are nowhere near subtle enough to fix the problem without potentially causing a whole lot more. That's why so many of us have to go through the rigmarole of trying medication, getting off medication, trying different medication, et cetera.

[padparadscha.livejournal.com]

It isn't really curable. It is a chemical imbalance in the brain; when it flares up your brain reabsorbs serotonin too fast, without allowing it to do its job--which is supposedly to keep other neurotransmitters balanced properly in turn. Antidepressants inhibit the abnormal reuptake of serotonin, and the one I'm on do the same for another neurotransmitter, norepinephrine, for the same reason.

It's chronic, but not constant--meaning that without medicaiton, you can go for months being fine, and then something triggers (biological or environmental) triggers the imbalance. Some doctors do suggest just staying on meds forever, since it prevents episodes, but since we don't know the long-term effects of a lot of these brain-altering chemicals, and since they have a lot of side effects as listed above, some patients will use them off and on throughout life or refuse them entirely.

I was sick of the side effects and was curious to see what I was like when I went off it, but it didn't work very well, so I'm looking around for one with fewer side effects. I get to do this sort of shit for the rest of my life.

[neintales.livejournal.com]

Yeah. I'm rather dreading having to find a new medication if/when I spiral hard again. Abilify did seem to work, just.. yeah, I had towards the end of a year or two on it, a feeling of overly-inertness too.

Oh the other hand, I'm feeling just as inert this month, without being ON anything, so maybe it was a case of the Abilify not working at all. I have no real clue.

Stupid brain chemistry. I grr at it.

[luinmir.livejournal.com]

Boo to that! And good luck in your quest to find the right hammer with which to beat your brain into the right shape. What are you trying right now? Generic welbutrin - bupropion - seems to do the trick for my sister and myself, though for some reason the brand-name variety doesn't want to play nice. Still, I had to double my dosage in the past couple of months to get the damn stuff to work again.

[ellixis.livejournal.com]

Bupropion gave me scary side effects, but budeprion works nicely. Heh.

[thewrongcrowd.livejournal.com]

Hang in there. Lexapro keeps chugging away... as long as I can put up with the clenched teeth and undying thirst. Paxil pooped but was better in many ways. *sigh*

[padparadscha.livejournal.com]

Lexapro made me gain weight like Jabba the Hutt in a Krispy Kreme factory. Of course, if I keep not moving this stuff'll probably have the same effect. *grumble*

[neintales.livejournal.com]

Just curious, have you tried Abilify yet? Not sure I'd outright recommend it, since, in the end I was paranoid I was becoming a zombie- but it didn't cause weight gain or various other nasty side effects for me, and DID seem to work well for a while at least.

[thewrongcrowd.livejournal.com]

Hehe. Love the imagery. That was me on Paxil. Have actually lost some weight on Lexxie. It's a little more 'speed-ish' for me, but sometimes I feel brittle.

[katerinfg.livejournal.com]

I sure can relate to what you're going through. Keep trying until you find the right meds; if your doctor isn't getting it figured out, keep trying until you find the right doctor.

I wish I could offer specific input on meds, but the depressive episodes are only half the issue for me. Lamictal's a lovely mood-leveler, though.

[mathsnerd]

Oh, God, I hear you on chronic illness. Mine's the immune system, not the brain, but I'm so sick of feeling like crap from the illness or vomiting and losing hair from the drugs. It's annoying.

*hugs* Good luck on finding a new drug. Friends with depression have had luck with Wellbutrin, but that's the extent of my knowledge.

[shadesofmauve]

You're braver than I. I *think* I'd be quicker at recognizing depression for what it was and going back on meds if I needed 'em again, but since it's my brain being messed with, I'm not sure, and I'm scared of how much time I might loose (or relationships I might ruin) if I slipped. I've seen my mom go off and on meds over the years, and it always takes her a year or more of misery before she realizes it's not normal and gets a new prescription. I know I'm not my mother, but...

I content myself with remembering that my zoloft dosage is really very low, and I've never had real ill effects (though if I was having them, I might not notice, since I've been on it nonstop for so long).

Good luck!

[gryphart.livejournal.com]

Sorry to hear that. One of my good friends had a lot of luck with low-dose Effexor, and a family friend was much improved on Wellbutrin, if you haven't given those a shot yet. (Other than that, I cross my fingers for ya in your journey through the Medical Dartboard.)

[newroticgirl.livejournal.com]

I feel ya. I lucked out the first time with antidepressants -- Zoloft worked really well for me for a long time. Switched to generic to save money and had even fewer side effects! Whee! But lately, I get the feeling that it's maybe time to shop around for a new one. *sigh* Of course, with no money and no insurance, that might be tricky.

[childthursday.livejournal.com]

Argh. I'm glad you got to experiment on being without the Fukitol, though. Sometimes checking is necessary. Either you really don't need it, or you get the reassurance that, damn. The pills are working!

[viizou.livejournal.com]

It sucks that you have to go back on the pills, but I find it really impressive that you made it this long without them and that you stuck with the trial until you were certain they were necessary after all. Good luck to you finding a better fit.

[westrider.livejournal.com]

If you haven't tried it yet, I'm really liking Citalopram (Celexa). Very cheap, and it's got fewer side effects than almost any other.

Other than that, all I can say is you have my sympathies and my condolences.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_wastrel/]

Hear you on depression sucking. :-/ I was always too scared of the side effects to get on meds (except for that month in 2006) even though I've often thought about it (since then), so I understand having wanted to stop for a while, but not having been on them could be a large part of why I haven't been doing so well, and I really hope you can find something that works for you better than the Fukitol was.

If we could have the highs without the lows we'd be unstoppable.

[lycheetwist.livejournal.com]

:/ Dang. I'm sorry. That sucks something bad. Well, maybe you'll be like me with Improved Fukitol and the side effects will subside.

I never had an anxiety attack, migraines, or the sudden desire not to eat anything at all until I switched my own meds. That lasted around two months.

I don't have any (diagnosed) depression, so I can't exactly sympathize, but I'm feeling for you. That's for sure.

Hang in there.

If it makes you feel better, I'm trying to think of something for you for a very belated Christmas present. I don't know if you got that text I sent you a while back, but that rice pillow is AMAZING.

[padparadscha.livejournal.com]

Aww, you're sweet. Presents at any time are good news!

Thanks for the help; I'm okay as long as I stay on the meds. It's just annoying to have to use them.

I got the text, but I hadn't checked my phone for days and felt silly replying four days later. Either way, I'm glad you liked it! My own makes me so happy, especially now I'm teh sick. Hooray for rice! ;)

[queenlyzard.livejournal.com]

Yup, that's depression for you. I m infinitely grateful to live in the age of Medication, though.... imagine coping with this shit without medical help, or with what used to pass for medical help!