Still Here

[bloodyrosemccoy]

Asante sana and thanks, everyone, for your comments. It helped a lot to know that y’all think I’m not a failure, and it really helped to know that the suckage is a general experience. It giveth me hope.

The nice thing about my plunges into the depths of utter despair is they it never last long. I’m doing okay now. Still some residual bummage, but the kind I can live with. Probably it was partly my Fukitol tapering, partly it’s just this time of life, partly it was hurt feelings from parents. I’ll get over it. Plus, if I were always relentlessly cheerful, you’d probably get worried about me anyway at some point.

Anyway, I’ll respond to those comments individually after work, but I wanted you to know they were very much appreciated. Thanks, guys.

Comments

[cjtremlett.livejournal.com]

I certainly suspect the Fukitol withdrawal. But suckage happens to all of us. I'm in grad school now, and I get the "oh, god, what have I done? I'm never going to manage this!" sort of sucking at times.

[wendyzski.livejournal.com]

Everybody has those feelings. Fuckitol withdrawal just makes them MUCh harder to cope with.

[viizou.livejournal.com]

I only just read your previous post and this one. Honestly, you're amongst the last people I know (online and IRL) whom I would consider a failure. As several people commented, finding a job is hard, and I would add that finding a good job is harder, and finding a career you enjoy is an even bigger challenge. At least you have an idea of what you'd like to do, which is more than a lot of people can say.

I can't comment on the Fukitol withdrawal, but I can confirm the "it's this time of life" theory. I go through something similar after every diploma. I can't imagine what it'll be like after my PhD, because then I won't be able to find comfort in going back to school. So I'd say you're ahead of me on this aspect: you're dealing with real life, in your own way, and it's normal to feel doubt and frustration. But you'll get through it - you sound better already.

[gwalla.livejournal.com]

Sounds like you hit the withdrawal/general life doldrums/hurt feelings trifecta. Fortunately, all of these things are transient. This Too Shall Pass.

[kitmf.livejournal.com]

In terms of feeling down, everybody has those days. You never get to a point where there is no doubt in you.

However, in terms of the writing, if that is your life work - then it is. My recommendation to my kids has always been to find the work that you would actually pay good money to be allowed to do, and then do it however you must. Earning a living is a separate matter. If a day job is necessary, then have one. It needn't be your life work. Sounds to me like your life work is writing, and the task at hand is figuring out how to make enough cash to survive without squeezing the writing out of your life.

Parents - and I'm speaking as one - want their kids to be safe. Watching them take on something hard and risky feels even more dangerous than doing it yourself. Failing personally is painful but endurable. Having a kid go crash is -- unendurable. What you are hearing is probably not a lack of faith in you so much as a pessimistic view of the world and an emotional reaction to the prospect of you getting hurt. Often enough, we parents are not reacting in a way that is about you, but rather about us. Patience with us, please. I can cheer you on more easily. It isn't my world that will come apart if you go crash.

[padparadscha.livejournal.com]

You make an excellent point about parents--one I should remind myself of more often. (My mom is always telling me this, but who's gonna believe HER? ;) And you put it very well, so it may stick.) But I will try to remember when I feel I am being pounded down.

I'm still working on the writing, and I don't think I can do otherwise. Thanks for the cheering!

[(Anonymous)]

I won't repeat what others have said better than I can, but I can say that you're not the only one to go through this, and it *does* get better. *hugs* If you don't have the occasional down patch you have no way to judge how up you are when you're up.

[pixel39.livejournal.com]

That was me--Firefox lied to me and told me I was logged in.