Last night we went up to my parents’ friends’ house up in Park City for dinner, dessert, and a big old bonfire. The first two went off in that pleasant way that’s totally uninteresting to read about unless Charles Dickens writes it—nice, friendly get-together, 27 types of noodle salad, quoting Flight of the Conchords, etc.. But when we got to the bonfire, things changed.
This was no ordinary bonfire, you see. This was the kind of bonfire that’s being started by a host who works with magnesium, and who had a few bricks of the stuff on hand.
This was an educational bonfire.
For instance, you may know that magnesium burns incandescently white, and sparks. But! Did you also know that if you throw burning magnesium into water, the oxygen and hydrogen in the water will separate and then burn?
That’s right. Magnesium burns water.
We found this fascinating, and Our Host gave us a nifty demonstration by tossing a few drops of water onto a small burning chunk of magnesium. We spent some time watching the sparks, which were like tiny bits of fireworks. And then, as the fire was starting to burn down and staring at the molten magnesium was forming spots in my vision, we heard the sound of a truck. And, since everyone in my family has at some point worked in a hospital, we recognized the sound of it.
This was a fire truck.*
Sure enough, it pulled into the driveway, and out came a couple of firemen in full Primate Dominance Mode. They swaggered up and started to lecture Our Host on how his fire pit wasn’t a Regulation Costco Fire Pit, and told us they would have to put the thing out.
Then another eager young fireman trotted up with the fire hose.
Oh, swell.
The reaction was impressive. Three of us got up and scrambled away, and Our Host turned to the eager young fireman with the calm of a hostage negotiator telling the coked-up nutcase to put the gun down nice and easy.
Our Host: You really don’t want to put a lot of water on this fire.
Eager Young Fireman: (belligerently) Oh yeah? And why wouldn’t I?
Our Host: I used magnesium to start it. You put water on that, it’s going to flare up and burn down your fire truck.
The Expressions On The Firemen’s Faces: I do not know what that word means, but it sounds sciency, and science is dangerous and unpredictable! What are we going to do?!
Our Host: You’d better let me take care of this.
So we spent the rest of our time at our friends’ house watching Our Host pile dirt on the fire. Meanwhile, Mom asked the guy what got them up here in the first place.
Fireman: Oh, we had multiple neighbors call this one in.
Pick Your Favorite Subtitle For The Phrase “Multiple Neighbors”: A. Two neighbors; B. One neighbor twice; C. One neighbor once, and they always say “multiple neighbors” in a futile attempt to prevent a neighbor war.
And so the magnesium fire was out, and Our Slightly Embarrassed Host waved off the slightly deflated firemen. As they pulled out, he turned to us with a sheepish grin. “Well, thanks for coming this evening. Who else can promise you a fire truck as part of the evening’s entertainment?”
And, you know, he’s right.
*Fire trucks are a constant at hospitals because people like to use the emergency room as their primary care source, and so they call 911 for things like sore toes, and basically use fire trucks like taxis.
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