Our Freedom Is At Stake Here!

[bloodyrosemccoy]

My fellow Americans! I come to you today to address an alarming trend that has been sweeping our nation, one that threatens our very way of life. Even as you sit and read this, an American institution is being attacked from all sides, and unless we do something to stop it, the very thing that makes this country great will disappear forever.

I’m talking, of course, about dinner.

It is a proven undeniable fact which I just made up that throughout the majority of history, all over the world, dinner has been made with peas and carrots. This is the natural order of things. But recently, an alarming trend has surfaced: the use of zucchini as an ingredient in dinners.

What garden-fresh horror is this? The traditional, old-fashioned values of peas and carrots have fallen by the wayside, making way for some nasty greenish stringy squash. Some people argue that they just can’t help liking zucchini, but this can’t be true. Using zucchini in dinner recipes is a choice, and a harmful one at that.

Harmful? Why, yes! I quote from the definitive cookbook, Cooking, by Doris P. Hemperdinger, Chapter 5, Recipe 7, Step 4: Some people like to add a little zucchini to this casserole. My recipe does not add it because it does take away from the main focus of the dish. Clearly we are not meant to cook with zucchini!

Well, you say, it’s all right if people like zucchini, as long as they don’t wave it in my face. But they do! One can hardly go to a grocery store without seeing these squashes piled up in the produce aisle, right next to wholesome carrots, where even a child might catch a glance of them. What an awkward conversation for parents to find themselves in the middle of when the children ask questions! And even at bakeries, our children are lured with zucchini bread; at restaurants, breaded fried zucchini is served. You cannot protect your children from something shoved in their faces.

And of course, once we start saying that zucchini is an okay ingredient, then we’ve started down the slippery slope. What’s the next acceptable dinner ingredient? Asbestos? Cyanide? Human flesh? For once zucchini is accepted, it will only be a matter of time before everything else is as well.

My fellow Americans, this cannot stand. I enlist you, every one of you, to help me fight back against this abominable dinner choice. How can we, as a nation, ignore such a threat to our way of life? So please, write to your congressman. Tell him that we cannot in good conscience allow people who like zucchini to eat it. Do it for your country, for the troops, and for your children. It’s up to you, America.


This sprang fully formed from my head like Athena from the head of Zeus. No, I have no idea what I was smoking. And now, here is a box provided for you, if you wish, to type in whichever zucchini-sexuality joke sprang into your head when you realized where this was going:

[Poll #1547847]

Comments

[nobleplatypus]

... I actually kind of like zucchini, when it's done up on the grill. That's the only way I'll eat it, though.

[deird1]

What an awkward conversation for parents to find themselves in the middle of when the children ask questions!

...and that's when I realised where you were going.

Awesome post. :)

[sheherazahde.livejournal.com]

"Using zucchini in dinner recipes is a choice, and a harmful one at that."

Was the first clue, the grocery store cinched it, and re-framed the cook book quote.

[queenlyzard.livejournal.com]

fun fact: bananas were a popular novelty food in the Victorian era... but because of their "suggestive" shape, they were sold pre-sliced in little foil packets.

[padparadscha.livejournal.com]

These were the same people who would cover piano and table legs because they were afraid people would become excited and, I don't know, hump the furniture like rabbits.

Victorian middle- and upper-class folk were apparently GOD DAMN HORNDOGS.

[gethenian.livejournal.com]

...

I think my sense of humor is broken because I totally do not get ANY of this and didn't even realize it was a joke until I read other comments.

need moar sleep yes

[nobleplatypus]

Me, too. I was like, "But zucchini's not ALL bad!"

But I'm a liberal heathen, so my blindness to zucchini's evils is only to be expected.

[queenlyzard.livejournal.com]

*giggles* This.

[broken-moons.livejournal.com]

...I was going to do an 'Is that a zucchini in your pocket' joke, but thought better of it.

I like zucchini, actually. It's Brussels sprouts that are the epitome of vegetable evil! Something that bitter can only be poisonous, and every kid knows it, yet our parents force us to eat it! It has to be a conspiracy...

[mfb.livejournal.com]

brussels sprouts aren't bitter though!

I don't know what I'm doing wrong! :(

[padparadscha.livejournal.com]

I hear that a lot of people like zucchini, but they are only fooling themselves! It is Not Natural, I tell you.

(Me, I love Brussels sprouts. But I will not force my lifestyle on you!)

[ellixis.livejournal.com]

I like brussels sprouts AND zucchini. Just because I like one vegetable doesn't mean that's the only vegetable I can enjoy!

[evilcresyluna.livejournal.com]

There should be a state constitutional amendment against that kind of thing, liking zucchini AND brussel sprouts AND probably other vegetables? Heavens! Next you probably want to adopt children or something.

Okay personally as a child we almost never had peas or carrots at the dinner table because my mom hated them both. Zuchinni and yellow squash, broccoli, brussel sprouts, spinach, asparagus, and probably a few others did make appearances though.

[ellixis.livejournal.com]

I'll love and accept my children no matter WHAT vegetables they like, I'll have you know. Even lima beans.

I don't think there was any kind of standard vegetable that didn't make an appearance at our table. My mom was big on trying out new foods and unusual recipes.

[kittikattie.livejournal.com]

Zucchini is disgusting.

[flutterbychild.livejournal.com]

It's GOOD FOOD, yo! Gimme, I'll eat it.

[flutterbychild.livejournal.com]

I really like zucchini!

[padparadscha.livejournal.com]

Well then you must be some sort of COMMUSOCIOFASCIST LIBERAL MUSLIM ATHEIST TERRORIST. Those things all go together, right?

... Or, of course, your taste and mine differ slightly. But I can hardly have moral outrage if that's the case! ;)

[bkwrrm-tx.livejournal.com]

Clearly, you have lost your mind, but that's okay because I found it under the couch earlier. Just pick off the Cheetos and don't worry about the cat hair.

I'm firmly in the zucchini-lovers camp (not lover *that* way, you perv!). Raw zucchini with a bit of Ranch dressing? Yummy. Cooked zucchini, added to casseroles - divine. You can even shred it up and use it in cole slaw for a little bit of difference.

Now, okra? Okra is just *evil*.

[bean-bunny.livejournal.com]

Make some zucchini bread, then try and tell me how terrible it is.

[zimwifepgk.livejournal.com]

Well, I certainly don't like zucchini--I think it's disgusting and would never dream of eating it myself--but I have a couple of friends who like it, and cook with it all the time, so one can't really say I'm prejudiced against it...

[issendai.livejournal.com]

Where was this essay when I was ten years old? You could have changed my life, do you realize that? But perhaps now the future will be brighter for this generation's ten-year-olds.

[gwalla.livejournal.com]

Metaquoted!

[nixve.livejournal.com]

ew gross, zucchini! Get it away!

[narnian-dreamer.livejournal.com]

Aw, man! I actually do hate the taste of zucchini (and eggplant. And most things squash-like) and was all ready to bemoan its popularity with you when I realized that "zucchini presence" was a metaphor for "gay visibility," which I support, so all of a sudden I couldn't go: Yes, let us ban zucchini once and for all! like I was planning. Took the fun right out of it.

[packbat.livejournal.com]

Amusing!

[http://users.livejournal.com/_wastrel/]

I just had zucchini yesterday! Mwahahahaha!!

[queenlyzard.livejournal.com]

I have no idea what you were smoking either. Zucchini is one of my dietary staples. (then again, I also like lima beans and everything else you're not "supposed" to like. In fact, I find it pretty hard to find foods I dislike, and most of those are of the muchly processed variety).