Apr. 5th, 2010

bloodyrosemccoy: (Change)
My fellow Americans! I come to you today to address an alarming trend that has been sweeping our nation, one that threatens our very way of life. Even as you sit and read this, an American institution is being attacked from all sides, and unless we do something to stop it, the very thing that makes this country great will disappear forever.

I’m talking, of course, about dinner.

It is a proven undeniable fact which I just made up that throughout the majority of history, all over the world, dinner has been made with peas and carrots. This is the natural order of things. But recently, an alarming trend has surfaced: the use of zucchini as an ingredient in dinners.

What garden-fresh horror is this? The traditional, old-fashioned values of peas and carrots have fallen by the wayside, making way for some nasty greenish stringy squash. Some people argue that they just can’t help liking zucchini, but this can’t be true. Using zucchini in dinner recipes is a choice, and a harmful one at that.

Harmful? Why, yes! I quote from the definitive cookbook, Cooking, by Doris P. Hemperdinger, Chapter 5, Recipe 7, Step 4: Some people like to add a little zucchini to this casserole. My recipe does not add it because it does take away from the main focus of the dish. Clearly we are not meant to cook with zucchini!

Well, you say, it’s all right if people like zucchini, as long as they don’t wave it in my face. But they do! One can hardly go to a grocery store without seeing these squashes piled up in the produce aisle, right next to wholesome carrots, where even a child might catch a glance of them. What an awkward conversation for parents to find themselves in the middle of when the children ask questions! And even at bakeries, our children are lured with zucchini bread; at restaurants, breaded fried zucchini is served. You cannot protect your children from something shoved in their faces.

And of course, once we start saying that zucchini is an okay ingredient, then we’ve started down the slippery slope. What’s the next acceptable dinner ingredient? Asbestos? Cyanide? Human flesh? For once zucchini is accepted, it will only be a matter of time before everything else is as well.

My fellow Americans, this cannot stand. I enlist you, every one of you, to help me fight back against this abominable dinner choice. How can we, as a nation, ignore such a threat to our way of life? So please, write to your congressman. Tell him that we cannot in good conscience allow people who like zucchini to eat it. Do it for your country, for the troops, and for your children. It’s up to you, America.


This sprang fully formed from my head like Athena from the head of Zeus. No, I have no idea what I was smoking. And now, here is a box provided for you, if you wish, to type in whichever zucchini-sexuality joke sprang into your head when you realized where this was going:

[Poll #1547847]

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