The Life Experience ~ Spring '09

What I Learned Since The Spring Equinox

• My sister thinks my lack of desire for a mate is weird.
• “Anhedonia” is the medical term for an inability to feel joy.
• Wasps are the god damn SUPERVILLAINS of nature. Now, I knew that some wasps were disgusting monstrous horror-movie-inspirations from the very depths of your worst nightmares, but I didn’t realize the sheer variety of horrifying parasitic atrocities they’d commit against trees, grass, spiders, butterflies, and beetles.*
• Wyoming and Colorado state laws require you to move to the left lane when you see someone on the shoulder.
• While Star Trek TOS is almost entirely made up of homoerotic moments, the winner of all the episodes I’ve seen was “Mirror, Mirror.”
• Octavia Butler is even more rocking than I was led to believe. Took me way too long to find one of her books.
• Mark Hamill can do three different crazy laughs.
• Bill O’Reilly writes kids’ books. I didn’t need to know that.
• When stroked, alligators can be sedated. They also make a hilarious warnk sound before they do.
• Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome perfectly describes my bedtime habits, and is in fact very, very difficult to treat. Take that, people who think I’m just not trying!
• It’s almost nice to find out you have a “disorder,” because at least you know you’re not a one-of-a-kind freak.
• In the world of my aunt, dark wizards and lawyers are apparently always hovering around little old ladies just waiting for them to have heart attacks. That’s why it’s imperative that it be kept secret from everyone, including, preferably, most of the little old lady’s children.
• Your hips have to be forward for front stance in tae kwon do. I’ve been doing it wrong for years.
• Even one stellar job interview doesn’t guarantee you the job.
• There’s a really nice section of Salt Lake City off on the other side of Downtown that I never knew existed—and which I should keep in mind for whenever I want to actually move out.
• I am not the only person in the world who thinks Strunk & White were full of shit! Yay!
• Bad movies based on good books touch a serious nerve in people.
• Uhura’s first name is Nyota.
• Arc flash is an ionization of the air around an electrical system with sufficient voltage and no grounding. It’s an impressive and unfortunate cause of death among electricians.
• Wire-wrap jewelry is pretty straightforward in its basics, but mastering it is less easy.
• There is such a thing as an antidepressant that works without making me fall down
• The life of a Mormon missionary is even more regimented and awful that I could have imagined. You’re never even supposed to be out of sight of your partner. I realize this is probably in order to keep missionaries out of mischief, but that doesn’t make me feel any better.

*I am of the strict mammalian opinion that being eaten from the outside in is fair, and the proper sequence of events is 1. Kill, 2. then eat. If that happens to me I’m bummed but figure, well, fair play. But eating alive, and/or from the inside out, is definitely a foul.

Avatar

Okay, so recently my siblings got me forcibly into Avatar: The Last Airbender, and I watched the whole thing.

Holy shit, now I understand what y’all were talking about. This was an amazing fantasy world, beautifully animated, great story, great characters,* and it was intelligent. It’s also not set in Standard Fantasyland, for which I am eternally grateful. It’s definitely up there as a favorite series.**

Also, I kind of generally want to be Toph. She’s a badass muthafucka and I think she wears a snood. How many blind snood-wearing rock-hurlers have you met?

However, I have one rather unnerving question open for discussion about this show, and it pretty much sums everything up for me:

Which is creepier: that I have a powerful crush on Uncle General Iroh, or that when I confess that to other people their only response is, “Well, of course!”?

But come on, dude can crush prison walls with his face (SHUT UP YOU WEREN’T THERE AND NEITHER WAS THE CAMERA) but if you try to kill him he’ll serve you a cup of tea and tell you some nonsense before resorting to BREATHING FIRE. That is the correct approach to any situation. So I suppose I can see where they’re coming from.


*Somehow, the adolescent rage and confusion and flailing that drove me absolutely crazy with Harry Potter does nothing but endear Zuko to me, even though he’s such a little snot. Maybe I figure he deserves a little more angst. At least Harry’s scar didn’t boil his eyeball.

** I’m also even more confused as to why they even want to make a movie from it.*** My plan is to deny it exists—partly because it’s already a perfectly good TV series, and partly, of course, because of the unforgiveably boneheaded whitewashing.

***Answer: money.

Girls In Gamestop, Part 2,454,786

AMELIA: I would like to purchase this fine product! *hands cashier tiny Wii*

CASHIER: Now, this is not a real Wii. You realize it is simply a tin to hold gift cards and is in fact $2.99, which is slightly less than even a used Wii costs.

AMELIA: Yes. I am aware of this. Perhaps its size, price, and the way it says “gift card tin” on the package were clues.

CASHIER: Very well. I will ring you up.

I am very glad he didn't ask me what it was for.


Also, dear video game companies: It’s nice that you’re trying to expand your audience to include girls, but I’m beginning to wonder if games like “Imagine You’re a Babysitter” or “Imagine You’re A Fashion Designer” are the right answer to the complaints that there are not enough video games with female protagonists. Just, you know, for the record.