Sound Trackin' Across The Universe ...

I AM SURE ALL MY GEEK BUDDIES ARE WAITING BREATHLESSLY FOR IMPRESSIONS OF THE NEW STAR TREK FILM. WELL, I HAVE BEEN TO THE MIDNIGHT SHOWING, MY FRIENDS, AND I CAN ASSURE YOU THAT THIS MOVIE IS VERY, VERY LOUD.

I WOULD ALSO LIKE TO HEREBY INAUGURATE BABY SPOCK* INTO MY COLLECTION OF PEOPLE FOR WHOM I HAVE DECLARED UNDYING LOVE.

AND WITH THE SPECTACULAR SCENE INVOLVING KIRK, SULU, AND SOME GUY IN A RED SPACESUIT, I AM FORCED TO CONCLUDE THAT THIS FRANCHISE HAS VERY WEIRD IDEAS OF FANSERVICE.

IN CONCLUSION: DUUUUDE.


*JUST TO BE CLEAR, BABY SPOCK IS THE ZACHARY QUINTO ONE. I HAVE DUBBED THE BRIEFLY-APPEARING CHILD VERSION THE SPOCKLET.

Oracle

I think I have another method for interrogation that does not involve torture or pancakes.

All we need to do is to get my mom to strike up a conversation with the terrorist in question.

I am not sure how Mom does it, but she seems to have this ability to get information far beyond any mortal powers. She is always telling me how she struck up a conversation with the lady at the quilt shop, or her hairdresser, and has gotten their life stories. “I went to the hairdresser today!” she will say. “He told me all about how difficult it was to live with multiple sclerosis and depression until he discovered new age crystal healing, and that his partner owns a flower shop and they do weddings together, and all about his philosophy of the universe!” I will go to the same hairdresser and say, “So! Mom says you’re into crystals!” and he will say, “Yup” and that will be that.

It’s not just random people, either. My mom will get more information out of my friends in one sitting than I ever manage to hear through a lifetime friendship. If I had a buddy named Bruce, all our conversations would go like this:

AMELIA: So, Bruce! Anything going on in your life right now?
BRUCE: Nah.
AMELIA: How’s your girlfriend? I hear she’s been enjoying some new hobbies.
BRUCE: She’s okay.
AMELIA: What about this secret project you vaguely alluded to a week ago with your job? How’s that going?
BRUCE: Fine.

Then Bruce would come home with me for dinner one night, and we’d help Mom in the kitchen while the following conversation took place:

AMELIA: Mom, this is Bruce. Bruce, this is my mom.
MOM: Hi, Bruce! How are you?
BRUCE: Well, my business is doing okay, since we’ve just signed on a contract with the military to make secret spying technology. Mostly I’m concerned because last week my girlfriend proposed to me but I’m not really ready to commit yet, for I fear to be tied down. Plus, I am haunted by the ghosts of my past and am still tormented by nightmares and wake up screaming, afraid I’ve wet the bed like I did for years after the death of my parents when I was a child. Also, I’m Batman.

I have no idea how she does this. I have actually asked her before. She usually says it’s because she knows how to ask the right question, but when I try that, it doesn’t seem to work. I think it’s not just a skill; I think it’s a finely-honed mutant power. And one that the CIA needs to look into tapping into. All you’d have to do is put Mom in a room with a terrorist, and we’d know every evil plan of attack and where to find all the Al-Qaida strongholds worth mentioning.

Or perhaps she is content to lead a quiet life as the nexus of the universe. Either way, it always sort of awes me.