bloodyrosemccoy | Adventures in Retail

Today I got to work and my manager announced rather dejectedly that we were getting rid of all the men’s clothing*—organize it, box it, and send it off to ~~a farm where it’ll have lots of room to frolic and play with the other shirts and pants~~ another store that may be able to sell them better.

MANAGER: What this means for you is that you get to undress all the male mannequins!

AMELIA: Oh, sure! There are, what, fifteen? No problem!

Okay, I had no idea undressing men took that much heavy lifting.. Although I think when you’re doing it more recreationally, getting their pants off probably doesn’t involve reaching under their thigh and unscrewing a large bolt and then lifting the torso off the flagpole they’re stuck to.** Also most men can move their arms, so you don’t have to pull them off to get their shirts off. And mannequins don’t do much to facilitate the process—and men’s are also tough to get a grip on, especially with no arms, so I did a fair amount of wrestling.

And that would have been less weird if the manufacturers had been less weird—they’re your standard mannequins that go from neck to mid-thigh, man-shaped, not very detailed, except for two very important parts. First, the ass: the most lovingly sculpted, tight ass I have ever seen on anything that isn’t Michelangelo’s David. And as for the second, allow me to give you a succinct visual: David Bowie in Labyrinth.

I think this was the God of Irony’s revenge for my taking extra care to look nice and professional today.

Also, there is no way to pose those mannequins without scaring the customers. But at this point, we just don’t care.

I did, however, name the mannequins. Mostly things like Smash Lampjaw, Crud Bonemeal, and Beef Hardpec, but one I called Stephen Colbert because he was a Formidable Opponent. That display stand did not want to give up those pants, and that was only the beginning of my troubles ...

Discussion Question: Why are those Levi’s commercials all centered around finding opportunities to take ones pants off? You would think a commercial for jeans would show the person declining to take their pants off in the face of a great opportunity, simply because they prefer wearing the pants, wouldn’t you?

*[Steely Dan] Cuz we’re goin’ outta business … everything must go! [/Steely Dan]

**I have tried to make this passage not sound fetishy, innuendoy, or dirty, but there is no way to do that. So I gave up and stopped trying.