No, Really, See Icon

[bloodyrosemccoy]

What we’ve learned today is that I should never spend an entire hour trying to do the Fucking Impossible Roller Gizmo Galaxy in Super Mario Galaxy, especially when that hour is late at night. Because at some point in there I will be so tired of it I’ll start to wonder what Mario thinks of all this, and then somehow I’ll do some tremendous leap of weirdness and suddenly I’m amusing myself making up what Mario would be thinking if Frank Miller had written his inner monologue.

 

It’s been a thousand lifetimes since I started this level.

 

Lava’s bubbling at my feet, almost lapping at my shoes.  He loves his hell. I lost my fireballs somewhere.  Don’t remember what happened. Don’t even remember why I do this.  It seemed so clear at the beginning.

 

I do it for her. She’s all I’ve got—her and Luigi.

 

Hang on, Princess.

 

He’s waiting for me on the bridge, grinning—no other expression on the bastard’s reptile face. The fangs hold flames, and then I’m engulfed. My mushroom vanishes. I can’t touch him.

 

Then I see the axe.

 

He’s powering up another flame.  Come on, old man—just one more leap. Just one—

 

I watch him sink, his flaming grin still on me.  Lava’s his favorite bath. This won’t stop him for long.  But for now—

 

I fling the cell door open before my knees give out. Made it.  Made it one last time.

 

And beyond the door is a Toad, relief clear on his face.  Where are you, Princess?

 

The Toad smiles sadly, and I know what’s coming.

 

“Thank you, Mario. But our princess is in another castle.”

 

It never ends.

 

I may have to revise my opinion of Frank Miller, which so far has been “I Fucking Hate Frank Miller.”  I had never realized before that he’s comedy gold. Now if only I could wedge something about whores in there …

Comments

[sylvidoptera.livejournal.com]

BAHAHHAHAHA. Ok... that... is awesome. I've never metaquoted anything, but ths tempts me. ;)

[jesuitfluff.livejournal.com]

You forgot "I'm the goddamn Plumber!"

[padparadscha.livejournal.com]

:D True. I think he turned out more Hartigan than Bruce Wayne. Although frankly, I have trouble telling Miller's protagonists apart anyway.

[jesuitfluff.livejournal.com]

Well, I know that one has whores and is Darque, and the other one has whores and is Darque, and one is the goddamned Batman, may also be Darque.

... hmm. I think I see your problem.

PS I forgot to mention before, but I laughed unattractively at Then I see the axe.

[viizou.livejournal.com]

This is brilliant!

As for inserting whores in the story, doesn't the Princess make some sort of weird orgasm noise in some or other game? I think I may actually have read that on your blog...

[chibicharibdys.livejournal.com]

I laughed.


.... I hate to make cheap digs, but Birdo?

[padparadscha.livejournal.com]

... She kinda is, yeah. (I'd also go with little-known villain Valentina from Super Mario RPG. Boobs that jiggled when you hit her!)

[confusedpuppy.livejournal.com]

I love that game. But yeah, that Valentina is. . . interesting.

[padparadscha.livejournal.com]

*grin* Oh, don't get me started on my Super Mario RPG Is The Greatest Game Ever And Maybe Like There Are Some Other Games Half As Good But Come On, You Battle A Wedding Cake And Also An Alarm Clock And In Conclusion Geno speech. Clearly it's my absolute favorite. Valentina, however ... yeah.

Also, high-five for actually knowing who I was talking about!

[astridsdream.livejournal.com]

Super Mario RPG was SO AWESOME. We would rent that game over and over again, even after we beat it, 'cause we couldn't afford to play it but it was just that good.

[confusedpuppy.livejournal.com]

It was the first game we got with our SNES and probably the reason for my abiding love for that system. I absolutely adore it!
I just wish I could figure out how to get to the Grate Guy Casino.

p.s. I checked out you profile and you seem like a really cool person, can I add you? (I must warn you that I am a bit boring and bad at updating though)

[padparadscha.livejournal.com]

*grin* I found the casino! You start at Bean Valley and explore those pipes ... But you need a Bright Card from the Knife Guy to get in. (On the plus side you get a really badass weapon if you win "Look the Other Way" at the casino 100 times.)

I just mastered the Geno Whirl 9999 damage hit this fall. MY GOD, THE POWER.

Friend away! Duly friended back.

[chibicharibdys.livejournal.com]

Yeah, actually, I would definitely second Valentia. A trashy femme fatale with a dimwit bodyguard?

[gwalla.livejournal.com]

Transgender whoreswhoreswhores

(I just find it hilarious that they made Birdo officially a dude who thinks he's a girl for the English version just because he had a "masculine" name)

[gwalla.livejournal.com]

Surprise metaquote!

[padparadscha.livejournal.com]

Yay! *takes a bow*

[quietus-x.livejournal.com]

Peach's Cake: Descent into Madness (http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=2406763)

You're not the only one who's thought that. I don't know if that is terrible or awesome.

[queenlyzard.livejournal.com]

You rule so hard!