One Layer Of The Bad Idea

You know, even with all the many, many layers of WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU surrounding the whole chickenpox lollipops business, I keep coming back around to wondering just how the conversations go when parents are trying to get those sweet, sweet germs from their kids. You can fool the kid who’s getting the lollipop pretty easy ("Here, Susie, have some candy!" should do it), but it might be a bit awkward trying to yank the sucker out of the mouth of your unhappy, pox-riddled child.

"OK, Timmy,I know you’re itching and miserable, but here’s a lollipop. Enjoy it RIGHT THAT’S ENOUGH!"

"Waaaah!"

"Never mind, here’s another. A whole bag! Lick them each JUST ONCE, and then stick them in these individual Ziploc bags."

"WAAAAH--What? Why can’t I just eat one like a normal kid?"

"Because this way Mommy gets rich! Each of these will then be finished off by another kid so they can become immune to chickenpox."

"Teacher says that sharing food is sharing germs. Why are we making these kids sick? Do we hate them?"

"No, sweetie. Their parents love them very much. When parents love their children very much, they give them booby-trapped candy that they hope will cause horrible miserable festering diseases."

"W--What?"

"If they don't, they're bad parents."

"But teacher says they can get shots to make them immune without first being sick! Why don’t they do that?"

"Because THAT’S CRAZY."

"Oh."

"Now, if you’re good and finish smearing all kinds of bacteria and viruses on those delicious Tootsie Pops, you can have an entire one to yourself!"

"...

... Mommy, do you love me?"

"Very much, Timmy."

"... I don’t think I want a lollipop."