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My Week With Dad
Sep. 20th, 2010 04:36 pmThe Day Mom and Brother Leave
AMELIA: Hey, Dad! How was your day?
DAD: I broke the new stove.
AMELIA: Good! I loaded the dishwasher wrong! We are getting this party started in STYLE.
Dad Casts A Summoning Spell
DAD: (morosely) Don’t mind all those beers in the fridge. I put them there this morning.
AMELIA: Why? I don’t drink the stuff.
DAD: *heavy sigh* I had thought maybe Across-The-Streeterson would come over and watch The Game with me. He didn’t.
AMELIA: Did you invite him?
DAD: Of course! I clearly told him last Thursday that he’s always welcome!
AMELIA: You may have to be a bit more specific next time.
Getting MSTy-Eyed on Movie Night
DAD: Last night we watched Rear Window. Shall we continue with works of cinematic genius?
AMELIA: I don’t know. I’m in the mood for something good-naturedly dumb.
DAD: I do have this movie coming on TV … it’s a Walt Disney cowboy flick in which James Garner washes up on a beach in Hawai’i and teaches several Hollywood Standard Issue Dumb Natives and one vastly obnoxious child actor how to round up wild Hawaiian cattle!
AMELIA: Damn, you’re good.
Her Father’s Daughter
DAD: What a glorious day! The vast western sky displays its infinite blue, and the mountains begin to turn red and gold—an homage, perhaps, to the sunlight that will be so scarce in the months ahead. This day exhorts us to consider it with rapture! There is only one place one can properly spend a day like this!
AMELIA: Barnes and Noble?
DAD: Damn straight.
At The "Book"store
DAD: I couldn’t find you the Lord of the Rings box set in Blu-Ray.
AMELIA: That’s all right. These are just the theatrical releases, anyway. I’ll hold out for the extended cuts.
DAD: What’s the difference ?
AMELIA: The theatrical releases are only about three hours long each.
Take-Out
AMELIA: Let’s get these fish tacos to go. Restaurants stress me out.
DAD: I am glad someone else feels that way, too.
AMELIA: We can eat on the deck! It’s better than any restaurant.
on the deck
AMELIA: THIS DECK IS STRESSING ME OUT.
DAD: Throw the hornets your fish taco and run while they’re distracted! They’re lousy tacos anyway!
Lu’au
AMELIA: So, how’d Next-Doorington’s pig roast go?
DAD: About how you’d expect when white suburban Utahns decide to roast a whole pig.
AMELIA: Chaos?
DAD: Well, they didn’t have any plan beyond “Acquire pig. Heat pig up.” I had to bail them out with all our briquettes, and then at 8:30 when the pig was finally done, I was the only one with even the slightest idea how to carve the stupid thing.
AMELIA: All those years of surgery finally paid off.
DAD: It was disgusting.
AMELIA: Sure, but at least you’re a hero now! Why, you SURE SAVED NEXT-DOORINGTON’S BACON, DIDN’T YOU?
AMELIA and DAD: WAHAHAHAHAHA.
Birthday!
AMELIA: So I was thinking, since Mom will be just getting home Sunday night, and I work, I will have a low-key birthday.
DAD: Nonsense! You are a quarter-century old now! You deserve some fanfare! We shall have a special birthday dinner!
AMELIA: Wow, Dad, that’s very—
DAD: You’ll be home in time to cook one, won’t you?
AMELIA: No cake for you.
Actually, he wound up cooking me aged ribeye steaks, which were FANTASTIC. And he also paid for all the shit I got at Barnes & Noble, as well as an extremely nifty thing I will show y’all later. It’s nice to have Mom back, but I admit I sorta like it when it’s just me and Dad. Contrary to what many people believe, we do know how to entertain each other.
AMELIA: Hey, Dad! How was your day?
DAD: I broke the new stove.
AMELIA: Good! I loaded the dishwasher wrong! We are getting this party started in STYLE.
Dad Casts A Summoning Spell
DAD: (morosely) Don’t mind all those beers in the fridge. I put them there this morning.
AMELIA: Why? I don’t drink the stuff.
DAD: *heavy sigh* I had thought maybe Across-The-Streeterson would come over and watch The Game with me. He didn’t.
AMELIA: Did you invite him?
DAD: Of course! I clearly told him last Thursday that he’s always welcome!
AMELIA: You may have to be a bit more specific next time.
Getting MSTy-Eyed on Movie Night
DAD: Last night we watched Rear Window. Shall we continue with works of cinematic genius?
AMELIA: I don’t know. I’m in the mood for something good-naturedly dumb.
DAD: I do have this movie coming on TV … it’s a Walt Disney cowboy flick in which James Garner washes up on a beach in Hawai’i and teaches several Hollywood Standard Issue Dumb Natives and one vastly obnoxious child actor how to round up wild Hawaiian cattle!
AMELIA: Damn, you’re good.
Her Father’s Daughter
DAD: What a glorious day! The vast western sky displays its infinite blue, and the mountains begin to turn red and gold—an homage, perhaps, to the sunlight that will be so scarce in the months ahead. This day exhorts us to consider it with rapture! There is only one place one can properly spend a day like this!
AMELIA: Barnes and Noble?
DAD: Damn straight.
At The "Book"store
DAD: I couldn’t find you the Lord of the Rings box set in Blu-Ray.
AMELIA: That’s all right. These are just the theatrical releases, anyway. I’ll hold out for the extended cuts.
DAD: What’s the difference ?
AMELIA: The theatrical releases are only about three hours long each.
Take-Out
AMELIA: Let’s get these fish tacos to go. Restaurants stress me out.
DAD: I am glad someone else feels that way, too.
AMELIA: We can eat on the deck! It’s better than any restaurant.
on the deck
AMELIA: THIS DECK IS STRESSING ME OUT.
DAD: Throw the hornets your fish taco and run while they’re distracted! They’re lousy tacos anyway!
Lu’au
AMELIA: So, how’d Next-Doorington’s pig roast go?
DAD: About how you’d expect when white suburban Utahns decide to roast a whole pig.
AMELIA: Chaos?
DAD: Well, they didn’t have any plan beyond “Acquire pig. Heat pig up.” I had to bail them out with all our briquettes, and then at 8:30 when the pig was finally done, I was the only one with even the slightest idea how to carve the stupid thing.
AMELIA: All those years of surgery finally paid off.
DAD: It was disgusting.
AMELIA: Sure, but at least you’re a hero now! Why, you SURE SAVED NEXT-DOORINGTON’S BACON, DIDN’T YOU?
AMELIA and DAD: WAHAHAHAHAHA.
Birthday!
AMELIA: So I was thinking, since Mom will be just getting home Sunday night, and I work, I will have a low-key birthday.
DAD: Nonsense! You are a quarter-century old now! You deserve some fanfare! We shall have a special birthday dinner!
AMELIA: Wow, Dad, that’s very—
DAD: You’ll be home in time to cook one, won’t you?
AMELIA: No cake for you.
Actually, he wound up cooking me aged ribeye steaks, which were FANTASTIC. And he also paid for all the shit I got at Barnes & Noble, as well as an extremely nifty thing I will show y’all later. It’s nice to have Mom back, but I admit I sorta like it when it’s just me and Dad. Contrary to what many people believe, we do know how to entertain each other.
