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Those Were Dark Days
Jul. 13th, 2010 11:05 pmIs it sad that, amidst all the launching of American Girl's MMO and the rebranding of the modern dolls again and the eclipsing of the historicals and the STRONG OPINIONS of fellow doll geeks, I am most amused by this?
That’s right, kids! Now you, too, can inflict the horrors of orthodontia upon your doll! Grind her cheeks intopretend hamburger with these braces! Make her more aware of the back of her neck than she’s ever been with this headgear!* Even comes with bolus decals you can stick on her teeth to simulate half-chewed food caught in her braces and retainer!
Okay, it doesn’t come with that last one. It does come with braces decals, though, and what they say is a retainer but as far as I can tell is a mouth guard.
One thing it does not come with, for which I am eternally grateful, is a hideous personal memory called a Herbst, which I think was complex enough to reach the status of “contraption.” What happened was, your evil orthodontist would put stainless steel bands around your upper molars. Bolted to these, with hinges, were tubes that actually just hung loose in your mouth unless you put in the rest of the contraption, which was a giant plastic blob like a mouthguard over your bottom teeth. It also had little metal rods bolted to it, which fit into the metal tubes flapping around from your molars. The idea was that the rods could only go back as far as the length of the tube, keeping your lower jaw from moving too far back, and thus theoretically correcting your overbite.
And, in the process, trapping food, hacking your gums and mouth to pieces, making it impossible to talk,** and earning you the scorn of your friends.
I’d say leaving it out was a smart move on AG’s part. Doll headgear is plenty mean all on its own. My dolls are molded better than I was, so they get spared that indignity anyway.
*Not just a rash, neither! I honestly believe that it was misaligned headgear that caused my neck to wrench painfully one morning in the shower, causing me to actually pass out from pain. (For the record, I do not recommend passing out in the shower.)
**“What’s that thing?” “Ihh a hurhhhn.” “I’ll bet it hurts!” “Nuh, ihh cahhd a HURHHN.”
That’s right, kids! Now you, too, can inflict the horrors of orthodontia upon your doll! Grind her cheeks into
Okay, it doesn’t come with that last one. It does come with braces decals, though, and what they say is a retainer but as far as I can tell is a mouth guard.
One thing it does not come with, for which I am eternally grateful, is a hideous personal memory called a Herbst, which I think was complex enough to reach the status of “contraption.” What happened was, your evil orthodontist would put stainless steel bands around your upper molars. Bolted to these, with hinges, were tubes that actually just hung loose in your mouth unless you put in the rest of the contraption, which was a giant plastic blob like a mouthguard over your bottom teeth. It also had little metal rods bolted to it, which fit into the metal tubes flapping around from your molars. The idea was that the rods could only go back as far as the length of the tube, keeping your lower jaw from moving too far back, and thus theoretically correcting your overbite.
And, in the process, trapping food, hacking your gums and mouth to pieces, making it impossible to talk,** and earning you the scorn of your friends.
I’d say leaving it out was a smart move on AG’s part. Doll headgear is plenty mean all on its own. My dolls are molded better than I was, so they get spared that indignity anyway.
*Not just a rash, neither! I honestly believe that it was misaligned headgear that caused my neck to wrench painfully one morning in the shower, causing me to actually pass out from pain. (For the record, I do not recommend passing out in the shower.)
**“What’s that thing?” “Ihh a hurhhhn.” “I’ll bet it hurts!” “Nuh, ihh cahhd a HURHHN.”
