And There Was Much Rejoicing

I’m back!

What’d I miss?

My Weekend At Grandma's

• My grandmother is actually looking pretty good, given the circumstances. She would put up a hell of a fight if the dark wizards ever decided to try anything. I will probably never see her again, but even so, I left feeling pretty good about how our visit went.
• No, really, hotels? There is nothing better.
• This may come as a surprise, but being the World’s Bitchiest Person can backfire on you. Say, hypothetically, you are my Mean Aunt, and you have just done the dinner dishes and washed the kitchen floor, and as you are selflessly starting on the dessert dishes, your niece wanders in, scrapes her plate, and says, “Would you like me to do these dishes?” If you respond with “DID YOU JUST SCRAPE TWO SLICES OF PERFECTLY GOOD STRAWBERRY INTO THE TRASH? WHY DID YOU PUT THEM ON YOUR PLATE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO EAT THEM? HERE I AM TRYING TO RATION AND YOU COME ALONG …”, guess which one of us winds up doing the dishes?
• It’s difficult to have a conversation with my uncles because they often can’t hear other people over the sound of how awesome they themselves are. But this time, my World Famous Uncle Deli Dave impressed me by hearing other people and acknowledging that other people also were pretty awesome. I was surprised at how much enthusiasm he greeted everyone with. I forget sometimes that he actually is pretty damn cool.
• The World Famous Deli Dave is also living up to his name—watching him cook is always fun, especially as he tells you that he is used to measuring ingredients in pounds.
• Unfortunately, my Bossy Aunt* will not let my grandmother actually eat any of these splendid meals, since she interpreted “low-sodium diet” to mean “absolutely no sodium, and also nobody else is allowed to give the patient anything unless they run it meekly by the Bossy Aunt first.”** My grandmother does not like this. And remember, she is IN HER NINETIES. I think her long-term health has already happened. Also, she is still pretty not-senile and able to recognize the consequences of her eating habits. Therefore, I feel that, if at that age you are not allowed to eat whatever the hell kind of diet you want—actual low-sodium, your previous diet, the ever-popular-with-college-kids Ramen and Pop Tarts Diet—then I don’t see why anybody wants to bother with long-term health in the first place.
• I had a really good time with the Adventurous Aunt. We got to talk a bit about travel and homesickness and I showed her pictures of Kenya!
• I talked a lot about Kenya here. It’s been a year and a half, but nobody there has heard the stories, and it was the only thing I could think of about me that was interesting without being completely confusing. (I realized recently that my mom translates rather a lot of what people are saying to other people. For example, I will tell a story, or hit a punchline, or make an interjection, and Mom will come in behind me and say “She writes stories, you see,” or “Amelia is referring to a Talking Heads song,”*** or “I’m sorry, I frequently have no idea what she’s talking about either, but you get used to it.” And it’s not just me she interprets for. She is a compulsive explainer of punchlines.)
• I was absurdly pleased to see my cousins’ small children. Something about the existence of the Circle of Life struck me there.
• Nobody really cares about your personal life here. This is not that they are all self-absorbed, it’s just that they’ve all got a hell of a lot going on.
• As do I. It’s good to be home.
• It was great to see my brother again, though!

*“She really means well,” everyone says. “She gets two more weeks,” my grandmother adds, “and then I’m taking over again.”

**Don’t even ask about the half-hour drill that is Medicine Time. “You have got to be KIDDING me” was the nicest thing anyone in my immediate family said when Mom described it.

***When complimented on her hat, my Adventurous Aunt said, “This is not even my pretty one,” and I shouted, “THIS IS NOT MY BEAUTIFUL HAT!” I thought it was funny.

Decree

From now on, anyone who uses the words “quip” or “drawl” as a verb shall be slammed with a fine up to, but not exceeding, $250,000 and up to five years in jail.

Anyone who uses the words “quip” or “drawl” to describe a line of dialogue will be shot without trial.

That is all.