Elves In The Off-Season

Baby Boomers Recognition Day
Cancer Begins
Midsummer (Wiccan)
Pee on Earth Day
Summer Begins (Northern Hemisphere)
Summer Solstice
Vegan World Day
Winter Begins (Southern Hemisphere)
Birthday - Martha Washington (First Lady)
National Day (Greenland)

 

Happy Summer Solstice, everyone. It’s like the opposite of Christmas! Hooray!

 

Once on one of our long hikes through somewhere or other, my mother, as is her wont, stopped to take closeup pictures of some of the plants along the trail. There were many passersby on the trail, and as they watched Mom with her camera we could see them craning their necks to try to figure out what she was taking pictures of. None seemed satisfied with the idea of photos of flowers, so I said she should say “I’m taking pictures of FAIRIES! Can’t you see the FAIRIES?!” in a voice which suggests not only madness, but a significant amount of foam at the corner of one’s mouth.

 

The thing is, somehow the siblings decided that that was one of the funniest sound bites ever, right up there with the Dude’s Gooney Bird Mating Call.* So now whenever we mention fairies, it’s in that voice, which rather takes away from the mystical image of fairies.

 

The reason I mention this is because of our strange Midsummer tradition of old, beyond the usual tiki torches and the subsequent days in which Dad claims that he can tell that the days are getting shorter and now he’s depressed because it’s winter. It was the traditional fairy dance.

 

( Check Out The FAAAIRIES! )

My God, Man! Do They Want Tea?

Now that I’m back in Utah, I have to get used to being perceived as a Rebel again. I’m going to be a questionable bridesmaid for my friend, given that I have a small tattoo, more than two man-made holes in my ears, short-short hair and a Padawan braid, and a school in a moral cesspool where they smoke coffee and say “Aytch-Ee-Double-Hockey-Sticks” with wild abandon, and some of them aren’t even blond.

 

It’s a little hard to readapt here. Part of the reason is the infamous Drinking Code, which everyone has heard of and which no one, not even your most extreme hyperMormon, fully comprehends. The idea is that the human body is a temple of god and so it should be taken care of by only putting healthy things in it, but it doesn’t get put into practice quite that way.

 

It’s a complicated and difficult issue, but understanding it is vital to protecting yourself from the palpable disapproval of self-righteous Utahns. Adding to the difficulty is that you cannot rely on the actual doctrine the Drinking Code is based off of, because it was revelationed in like 1859 and doesn’t have much to say about things like Red Bull. Plus, for some reason drinks that should fall under the ban don’t (hot chocolate; cold tea for some people) and some that were never warned against do fall under the ban (beer). Every time I return I have to reeducate myself on it, and I realize that it may be useful for me to explain my own breakdown of the Mormon categorization of drinks to the visitor to Utah, as follows:

 

Know Your Utah Drinks

 

Category 1: Evil Sinful Gateway Drugs. Next Come Orgies On The Lawn.

 

Anything alcoholic

Coca-Cola*

Pepsi Cola*

Hot, Black Coffee

Black Tea

White Tea

Green Tea

Red Tea

 

Category 2: Either Fine, Or Not. It Depends On Who You Ask.

 

Cold Coffee (Say, a Frappucino)

Coffee With Lots Of Sugar And Candy Bar Type Stuff In It

Diet Coke

Diet Pepsi

Iced Tea Of Any Type

Herbal Tea

Fruity Tea

 

Category 3: Inexplicably Allowed

 

Hot Chocolate

Mountain Dew

Sugar-Blasted Orange Punchy Drinks

Root Beer Floats

A Randomized Mixture Of Fruity And Root Beer Type Sodas With Dry Ice

 

Holy

 

Water

Grape Juice**

Now, you will be mystified by the criteria Mormons use to decide which drink falls into which category. At first, you will try to make sense of it by finding things that these drinks have in common. You will wonder at temperature, caffeine content, sugar content, overall healthfulness, and finally you’ll start grasping at straws*** and consider colors. Eventually, though, you will realize that this is a futile effort and give up, and just follow the guidelines as best you can. Obviously this won’t be foolproof, especially with the ambiguous category. But it may help you navigate some of the pitfalls of being in Utah. Good luck.

 

I know I need it.

 

 

*It is popular to say that Mormon Church owns significant stock in one of these. That is actually not true, but wouldn’t it be delicious if it were?

 

** You know, from John 2:1-11. Jesus told the servants, “Fill the water jars with water.” … Then he told them, “Now draw some out and take it to the head steward,” and they did. When the head steward tasted the water that had been turned to grape juice, not knowing where it came from … , he called the bridegroom and said to him, “Everyone serves the good grape juice first, and then the cheaper grape juice when the guests are drunk tired. You have kept the good grape juice until now!” Jesus did this as the first of his miraculous signs, in Cana of Galilee. In this way he revealed his glory, and his disciples believed in him.

 

***Rim shot.