Based On A True Story

[bloodyrosemccoy]

I hereby submit this as an alternative lyric for “Baby, It’s Cold Outside,”* where the players are no longer Wolf and Mouse,** but rather Human and Cat.

I really can’t stay.
But Fluffy, it’s cold outside.
I’ve got to go ‘way.
Oh, fuzzball, it’s cold outside.
I’ve already slept
This blanket is wrecked
Sixteen straight hours
All during which we had snow showers

There’s birds huddled up in the trees now
You’d better just let them tease now
I could spread around some feathery gore
Tonight it’s supposed to snow more
Just turn the knob for me please now
You know that you’re gonna freeze now
Being inside is such a terrible bore
No way I’m gonna open this door

It’s only a storm
That's like three feet of snow
My fur keeps me warm
It’s, what, 20 below?
I could kill me some mice
They’re all solid ice
And I gotta poop
Just use the box; I’ll get a scoop

I plan to sit and stare at you, hopin’
You seriously want this door open?
Looking sadder than if somebody died
I warned you, cat. I totally tried.
I’m going out now—
Hey wut it’s COLD OUTSIDE!
JESUS IT’S COLD! OUT! SIDE!


*A song I almost categorically hate. When James Taylor and Natalie Cole sing it, it’s a nice jazzy bit of banter between two longtime on again-off again friends. Every other version sounds like it’s going to end with a sleazy defense attorney trying to convince a jury that his client was under the perfectly understandable mistaken impression that Rohypnol was an integral part of a martini.

**No, really. That song gets creepier the more you learn about it.

Comments

[stormteller.livejournal.com]

It's the line "Hey, what's in this drink?" that really hammers it home.
I've said it before and I'll say it again. I feel like the male part in that song should be taken by Christopher Walken.

[padparadscha.livejournal.com]

I also strongly feel that "What's the sense in hurting my pride?" should win the Golden Douchebag.

My sister also feels that Sean Connery is a good choice for the Wolf, But I can't get Christopher Walken's voice out of my head now and it's making me snicker rather idiotically.

[starcat-jewel.livejournal.com]

The line that nails it for me is "How can you do this to me?"

I actually HAD a guy say that to me once, after the third time I pushed him away when he got grabby. I made an excuse to step out, and just kept going, and called a friend for a ride home. I have no doubt whatsoever that if I hadn't done that, either I would have been raped or he would have been dead.

Someone with better video skills than I have should do a vid of this song as the soundtrack to an on-screen date rape.

[sylvan-dweller.livejournal.com]

That song is almost as romantic as "Every Breath You Take."

[padparadscha.livejournal.com]

I love how deeply frustrated Sting got at all the people telling him "That was our wedding song!" DO YOU PEOPLE LISTEN TO THE LYRICS?!

[fractalwolf.livejournal.com]

*laugh* Oh, this is an awesome filk!

I'm not sure I've heard any version except the Taylor/Cole one, and I think I'm glad now. In any other style it'd be along the lines of "Have some Madeira M'Dear."

[nobleplatypus]

I am down with this version. The original is so creepy.

Also, it made me think of The In and Out Cat Song.

[padparadscha.livejournal.com]

How have I not heard this song before?

Sometimes I wonder what songs cats would write about us. We must look like we spend an awful lot of time just staring at things.

[ellixis.livejournal.com]

It is such a creeptastic song. The Taylor/Cole one manages to be friendly and playful, somehow, but otherwise - man, ugh.

I like your version.

[beccastareyes]

Reminds me of Mom and her old cat. Who was a fluffball and oh-so-resented cold weather anyway.

[full-metal-ox.livejournal.com]

Out of curiosity, has anyone ever recorded a version in which the woman is persuading the man to stay? (I've ransacked YouTube without success.)

[sylvan-dweller.livejournal.com]

With Zooey Deschanel waking the "wolf" part: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iigfts-sJFg

With Miss Piggy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-EJ1SBAO1HU (Actual song at 1:30ish)

(I just had to find out)

[gwalla.livejournal.com]

You know this was inevitable.

Reminds me of my cat on rainy days.

[padparadscha.livejournal.com]

Does she look at you like "TURN THAT SHIT OFF!", like mine does?

[jennyanydots21.livejournal.com]

That is genius. Particularly when you read the comments and your inner record player switches to James Taylor and Natalie Cole singing the cat/human lyrics.

[azurelunatic]

Here via metaquotes and giggling madly.

[hrhleia.livejournal.com]

Love your version - very accurate! The version that's been playing on Pandora recently is Norah Jones and Willie Nelson - which is interesting from a musical standpoint, but horrifying otherwise - he's probably older than her grandfather!

[ifeedformula.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad I haven't heard that then. I've taken a TOTALLY different view of Willie ever since reading his book "Dirty Jokes".

Still..the guy is a Texan and we're not known to be entirely sane ALL the time. :-P

[michellerz.livejournal.com]

Bahahahahahaha, WIN!!

[diatryma.livejournal.com]

I have tried to make the song work, storywise. It mostly doesn't. The best I could do was to have the story be her telling him to go home and him whining (which is what I thought the song was the first time I half-heard it) followed by him accepting his chilly fate and her fretting and keeping him in lest important bits be lost to frostbite. I like the idea of friends a lot better.

[fragrantwoods.livejournal.com]

The Spock/Kirk version is manageable, but yeah...criminal charges as lyrics = fail.

[padparadscha.livejournal.com]

KIRK/SPOCK WHAT IS THIS AND HOW DO I GET IN ON IT?

[dr-a-nightfall.livejournal.com]

I just got pointed to this by Metaquotes.

Would you mind if I emailled it to a number of friends with cats? Appropriately credited, of course...

[padparadscha.livejournal.com]

Go ahead!

[westrider.livejournal.com]

I've seen it done well. The choice of verb there is important. When you can see all the visual cues for joking around together, it can come across much more as fun than creepy.

Your version describes perfectly how things went last winter when Eo saw her first snow and I let her out on the balcony because she wanted to bite it.

[padparadscha.livejournal.com]

Even just the tone changes it--which is why the Taylor/Cole version DOESN'T make me want to call the police.

[guestyperson.livejournal.com]

to be fair to the composer, the song was written about 20 years before rohypnol was first synthesised, so "what's in this drink" was more along the lines of "gee whiz, this is delicious! you must tell me how to make it!" and he and his wife always thought of it as "their song" in which she was being deliberately coy and all "what would the neighbours think" in order to tease but with every intention of staying.

in the composer's original interpretation, the "mouse" has all the power and is only saying "no" to have fun

[carmy-w.livejournal.com]

Interesting.
In all the versions I've heard, it came across more like "Did you mix all this vodka/rum/whiskey with ANYTHING AT ALL??"

Which leads to the same problem as the drug, but at least is more detectable.... :(

[redbird57.livejournal.com]

You are a genius...I just thought you should know.

[starwatcher]

.
*chortle* Came for the western bit, via metaquotes, then cruised through and found this. Now both are saved for my BFF to read aloud.

Friending you; little nuggets like this are worth waiting for.
.

[padparadscha.livejournal.com]

Cool! Nice to meet you.

[ellenmillion]

I utterly approve of this version.