bloodyrosemccoy: (Not So Lucky)
bloodyrosemccoy ([personal profile] bloodyrosemccoy) wrote2015-04-30 06:52 pm

PNEUMONIA

SO ANYWAY THIS ONE TIME I GOT PNEUMONIA

Probably I'd Better Call A Doctor

OFFICE MANAGER: Thank you for calling this doctor's office! How can I help you?
ME: Well, I've got a bunch of pneumonia symptoms, and an image of Jim Henson just scrolled past my Facebook feed. I think I'd better see a doctor.
OFFICE MANAGER: Okay. The next appointments I have are either 7:30 tomorrow morning or two weeks from today.
ME: Probably I'd better take the seven-thirty one. I'm not sure I'll be alive two weeks from today.

Seven-Fucking-Thirty A.M. the Next Day

ME: Right, I got this. Drive down to the hospital, get an assessment, stop by the grocery store, back home for some rest.
MEDICAL ASSISTANT: Okay, I'm going to get your blood oxygen and your blood pressure ...
ME: Okay, that's great, but I just ... I think I need to lie down on the exam table ...
MEDICAL ASSISTANT: Wait, what?
ME: I'l just ... yeah. Down I go.
MEDICAL ASSISTANT: ... I guess you can stay there. Let me just take your temperature.
ME: *zzz*
MEDICAL ASSISTANT: in the hall HOLY SHIT IT'S 104.2°!
DOCTOR: also in the hall And you said she DROVE HERE HERSELF?

Gettin' A Chest X-Ray

INTAKE NURSE: Have you had any contact with anyone who might have had ebola recently?
ME: What, any of the four of them? NO.

One Chest X-Ray And Some Tylenol Later

DOCTOR: So it's totally pneumonia.
ME: You don't say.
DOCTOR: Go home. DO NOT DRIVE YOURSELF. Sleep. Push fluids. Take these antibiotics. Call if you get worse.
ME: I guess I'm not going to the grocery store today.

Sickness Behavior





one hour later

ASPEN: Hey, I am at your door! I've brought you some cassoulet!
ME: Is ... is this an entire chicken?
ASPEN: And here is some grapefruit juice!
ME: ... I really did not expect that to work as well as it did.

Everyone Is A Helper

CAT: Hey, I'm feeling better! But I think I want to hang close to you. Like, really close. Like, I will accept nothing except sitting on your belabored chest.
ME: This is a ploy so that if you die you can take your food human to the afterlife with you, isn't it.

ME: *cough*
BIRD: *cough*
ME: *cough cough*
BIRD: *cough cough*
ME: Are you making fun of me?
BIRD: *cough snort cough*

ME: Hello, Aunt! I think I am dying. Can you come up and heat up this cassoulet for me? And feed the cat her prescription food? And maybe do some laundry for me?
AUNT: You bet!
ME: So far, you are the best helper.
AUNT: I like to think it's the RN training.

And now I'm feeling better, which means I went to get the car and I am watching David Attenborough's Life of Birds. I"m still planning to talk about the awesome Space Place Gala, but till then, let's hope I survive.

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