Based On A True Story

[bloodyrosemccoy]

I hereby submit this as an alternative lyric for “Baby, It’s Cold Outside,”* where the players are no longer Wolf and Mouse,** but rather Human and Cat.

I really can’t stay.
But Fluffy, it’s cold outside.
I’ve got to go ‘way.
Oh, fuzzball, it’s cold outside.
I’ve already slept
This blanket is wrecked
Sixteen straight hours
All during which we had snow showers

There’s birds huddled up in the trees now
You’d better just let them tease now
I could spread around some feathery gore
Tonight it’s supposed to snow more
Just turn the knob for me please now
You know that you’re gonna freeze now
Being inside is such a terrible bore
No way I’m gonna open this door

It’s only a storm
That's like three feet of snow
My fur keeps me warm
It’s, what, 20 below?
I could kill me some mice
They’re all solid ice
And I gotta poop
Just use the box; I’ll get a scoop

I plan to sit and stare at you, hopin’
You seriously want this door open?
Looking sadder than if somebody died
I warned you, cat. I totally tried.
I’m going out now—
Hey wut it’s COLD OUTSIDE!
JESUS IT’S COLD! OUT! SIDE!


*A song I almost categorically hate. When James Taylor and Natalie Cole sing it, it’s a nice jazzy bit of banter between two longtime on again-off again friends. Every other version sounds like it’s going to end with a sleazy defense attorney trying to convince a jury that his client was under the perfectly understandable mistaken impression that Rohypnol was an integral part of a martini.

**No, really. That song gets creepier the more you learn about it.

Comments

[stormteller.livejournal.com]

It's the line "Hey, what's in this drink?" that really hammers it home.
I've said it before and I'll say it again. I feel like the male part in that song should be taken by Christopher Walken.

[sylvan-dweller.livejournal.com]

That song is almost as romantic as "Every Breath You Take."

[padparadscha.livejournal.com]

I also strongly feel that "What's the sense in hurting my pride?" should win the Golden Douchebag.

My sister also feels that Sean Connery is a good choice for the Wolf, But I can't get Christopher Walken's voice out of my head now and it's making me snicker rather idiotically.

[padparadscha.livejournal.com]

I love how deeply frustrated Sting got at all the people telling him "That was our wedding song!" DO YOU PEOPLE LISTEN TO THE LYRICS?!

[fractalwolf.livejournal.com]

*laugh* Oh, this is an awesome filk!

I'm not sure I've heard any version except the Taylor/Cole one, and I think I'm glad now. In any other style it'd be along the lines of "Have some Madeira M'Dear."

[nobleplatypus]

I am down with this version. The original is so creepy.

Also, it made me think of The In and Out Cat Song.

[ellixis.livejournal.com]

It is such a creeptastic song. The Taylor/Cole one manages to be friendly and playful, somehow, but otherwise - man, ugh.

I like your version.

[beccastareyes]

Reminds me of Mom and her old cat. Who was a fluffball and oh-so-resented cold weather anyway.

[full-metal-ox.livejournal.com]

Out of curiosity, has anyone ever recorded a version in which the woman is persuading the man to stay? (I've ransacked YouTube without success.)

[gwalla.livejournal.com]

You know this was inevitable.

Reminds me of my cat on rainy days.

[sylvan-dweller.livejournal.com]

With Zooey Deschanel waking the "wolf" part: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iigfts-sJFg

With Miss Piggy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-EJ1SBAO1HU (Actual song at 1:30ish)

(I just had to find out)

[sofish-sasha.livejournal.com]

Yes:

[full-metal-ox.livejournal.com]

And I'm informed that "Where The Wild Roses Grow" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rXA-9mWGCXk), which made the Top 40 charts in Britain, is a popular wedding reception choice there; yes, it's a lavishly orchestrated waltz eminently suited for ballroom dancing, but the scenario the lyrics present sounds like a job for the Criminal Minds team.

(For all that it ain't gonna happen, I'd love Time-Life Records to issue a theme compilation entitled, "Listen to the Damn Lyrics!" it could include such misleadingly excerpted favorites as "Born in the U.S.A." and "Lust for Life".)

[full-metal-ox.livejournal.com]

Thank you for that expansion of my cultural horizons--and Miss Piggy would of course seize the romantic initiative like a pig descending on a truffle patch.

[gwalla.livejournal.com]

According to the Wikipedia article, in the movie in which it first appeared, it was sung twice by two different couples: one with the man as Wolf and woman as Mouse, and one the other way around.

[full-metal-ox.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the link--it looks as though you and sylvan_dweller arrived at the door neck-and-neck.

[jennyanydots21.livejournal.com]

That is genius. Particularly when you read the comments and your inner record player switches to James Taylor and Natalie Cole singing the cat/human lyrics.

[padparadscha.livejournal.com]

My brother has a "Wait, What?!" playlist for songs whose moods are wildly different from their lyrics. Top on the list is "Maxwell's Silver Hammer." For some reason I'm often around when my friends tune into what Paul's actually SINGING for the first time.

[azurelunatic]

Here via metaquotes and giggling madly.

[gwalla.livejournal.com]

I recommend "Santa Came On a Nuclear Missile" from The American Song-Poem Christmas: Daddy, Is Santa Really Six Foot Four? for that playlist. The recording company gave it a peppy, major-key tune, but the lyrics (so far as they make any sense at all) seem to be about having a close encounter of the third kind at Christmas and getting freaked out.

[hrhleia.livejournal.com]

Love your version - very accurate! The version that's been playing on Pandora recently is Norah Jones and Willie Nelson - which is interesting from a musical standpoint, but horrifying otherwise - he's probably older than her grandfather!

[full-metal-ox.livejournal.com]

And here's a rendition by Maya Rudolph and Jimmy Fallon that goes...an entirely different kind of wrong. (http://www.nerve.com/news/tv/watch-jimmy-fallon-and-maya-rudolph-sing-baby-its-cold-outside-like-the-chipmunks)

[michellerz.livejournal.com]

Bahahahahahaha, WIN!!

[diatryma.livejournal.com]

I have tried to make the song work, storywise. It mostly doesn't. The best I could do was to have the story be her telling him to go home and him whining (which is what I thought the song was the first time I half-heard it) followed by him accepting his chilly fate and her fretting and keeping him in lest important bits be lost to frostbite. I like the idea of friends a lot better.

[fragrantwoods.livejournal.com]

The Spock/Kirk version is manageable, but yeah...criminal charges as lyrics = fail.