Nobody Likes A Crybaby

[bloodyrosemccoy]

Anniversary - Challenger Space Shuttle Explosion

 

So, here’s an explanation and an analysis, along with some soul-searching. You know. Boring stuff.

 

Last night while we were watching TV, Liz suddenly said, “I’ve been talking with Emily, and I’m going to live with her next year.”

 

No “maybe,” no mention of tentative plans, just a statement. It was the first I’d heard of it, and as we’ve spent the last two years assuming we were living together, the idea that they’d only come to me when they had it fully worked out hurt my feelings. It felt akin to having her say “I don’t want to live with you anymore,” which is what I’d been suspecting anyway.

 

I’ve been caught in one of those vicious cycles since the beginning of the schoolyear. For the last couple of years I’ve been doing all right, but this year my mood went down a bit. I started feeling … I don’t know, vulnerable, frightened of the future, sad, and a little lost.  It’s not the Depths of Despair, it’s just sort of the Shallows of Uncertainty. But it’s making me a little more melancholy than usual.

 

The trouble is, most of my friends aren’t very tolerant of a long phase of more melancholy than usual. I can’t say I blame them; I get a little impatient with it myself. Hell, I get a little impatient with myself when I’m like that, but I don’t think I can really pull out of it, so I figured I’d just ride it out. I started holding back from doing things with friends because my mood was a bringdown, and I was worried I’d start annoying them with it. Which, according to Liz, is exactly what was happening. But the Catch-22 was that she also says that I never do fun stuff with her anymore. So what do I do? Putting on a fake happy face and go out with them is not an option, because I am the world’s worst actor. I can be happy, but it may be interspersed with a little more causticity or sensitivity than usual, which may not help. So I’d been worried that I was driving everyone away.

 

Turns out I was right. Go me.

 

Of course, I realized later I’d been a little unfair, myself, and this was where Kenya came into this little drama. I’ve been worried about where Liz will live next year without me, and in fact her living with Emily isn’t a bad idea. I could always live alone and I wouldn’t mind. But I had wanted to wait until next week to bring it up, because I have an appointment with an academic advisor I’d be more certain of whether I was going to Kenya, or maybe somewhere else if Kenya’s too dangerous. I thought I’d mentioned it to Liz, but I hadn’t, which explains why she went ahead without me. I just wish she’d brought it up to me first.

 

But this at least makes me realize that out of the two things I worry would annoy my friends, isolating myself is more obnoxious than the melancholy. It gives me something to work with, anyway, so I can take new measures. For the last few weeks I’ve been missing some of my CSl Night friends, soI’ve been considering a trip to the local pottery-painting place with them.   I’d been waffling with that because of the aforementioned fears, but now I have a clear answer, so I can take action. So maybe this is good for me. It’s just a little rocky at the moment.

 

So!  I’ll get through this, but it’s never fun to have a crisis.  Life is just hard sometimes.

Comments

[cjtremlett.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Yeah, it is. But sometimes, you look back and those hard times and think "if that hadn't been so damn shitty, I wouldn't have done other things that I did". I know, 'cause I was just thinking that very same thing about something that sounds pretty similar to what you're dealing with with your friends right now. It hurt like hell going through it. But without it, I wouldn't have done some things that I'm very glad I did.

Life takes you funny places. Even when it has to drag you there, kicking and screaming.

[shadesofmauve]

If a little advice for someone who doesn't know you isn't objected to, I've been there in the past, and in considerably deeper depression, and through my own experience and dealing with friends in similar straits I've learned a few things.

Go out with people. You worry that your mood will bring them down, and it can happen. But it tends to be more likely that they'll bring your mood up. Even if that doesn't happen, isolating yourself is practically garanteed to make your mood worse. Humans are social critters, and even though we don't always feel up to it, we usually do feel better if we're around other people a good part of the time.

Don't borrow trouble. Worrying that you'll push people away does tend to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's true, no one likes being around someone who's down all the time, but you only assume that you'll be down all the itme - you changed your behavior, and your assumption was proven correct. If you hadn't changed your behavior...maybe you would have been wrong, and would be perking up.

LIGHTS. Eugene is probably grey grey grey right now, just like it is here. Lumens are your friends. So is exercise.

[chibicharibdys.livejournal.com]

Actually, Eugene's been pretty sunny!

[shadesofmauve]

Lucky, lucky you...darned rain-shadow effect!

[viizou.livejournal.com]

Well, we all have phases during which we don't feel like seeing anyone. I have them, and a friend of mine has been known to literally disappear for a few days without warning (usually causing us to worry out of our minds), because she couldn't deal with anyone during that time. We've learnt to accept that about each other.

And we also accept that sometimes, one of us will be depressed and it doesn't have anything to do with the others, hence they shouldn't take it personally. Making that clear to your friends might help avoid any misunderstandings, and will allow them to better deal with any melancholy you might be going through. And, well, while a bit of isolation can be good, exposing yourself to other people and new experiences usually takes your mind off your worries, if only for a little while. But you seem to already know that.

[chibicharibdys.livejournal.com]

Kudos for thinking through it. :)

[enigmania.livejournal.com]

From my experience, and this holds both for me and for Uwe, forcing oneself to get out of the house and do stuff with people when depressed is usually beneficial, even if it doesn't seem like it will be at the time. But yeah. It's hard.

[marajade893.livejournal.com]

If anyone can relate, it is I. I'm sure you remember! So if you need to hang with someone who totally gets feeling blue but who can also be happy...I'm your woman! Call on me if ever you have need, I would love to be of service.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_wastrel/]

I can relate. A lot of the time these days people seem to think the reason I don't spend as much time with them as I used to must be that I have some kind of problem with them even though the reality is not only that I'm busy but often that I simply don't want them to have to see me like this.