Too Juicy To Pass Up

[bloodyrosemccoy]

 “Do you know how I got these scars?  It was Halloween, and a couple of my buddies and I were out playing tricks.  We TP’d some houses and egged a few cars … and then we saw a little boy walking home alone with his bag full of candy. So I took out a knife and made him give me the bag, because I really wanted a Snickers.  I took the first one out of its wrapper and put the whole thing in my mouth—and it had a razor blade in it!  Now I see the funny side!”

 

…

 

Never let my sister and me near sordid stories.  We’ve been Law’n’Ordering* up the Sarah Palin rumors to make them truly sordid instead of just sort of odd—regardless of their truth—and our interest in CSI has gotten us into some bad conversations:

 

MOM: Did you know someone is writing quilting mysteries?

AUNT: Yes! Also scrapbooking!

AMELIA and妹: *snert*

AMELIA: The killer makes quilts out of the victims!

妹: And scrapbooks each kill!

AMELIA: And the cops figure out the profile of victims by the color scheme they’d make together!

MOM and AUNT: …

MOM: Actually, they use clues in quilts to solve the mysteries.

AMELIA: Oh.

妹: That’s no fun!

 

So, naturally, when you mention the one about the razor blades in Halloween candy around us, we are inevitably going to have a contribution for Movie!Joker’s multiple choice past within about fifteen seconds. What the hell did you expect?**

God, she's great.

 

 

*Law’n’Ordering is a favorite game of ours: Take a potentially scandalous headliner—true or, in this case, rumored.  Keep the basic story, but try to increase the sordidness factor with as many of the following as possible: incest (all types welcome), rape, pedophilia, mental illness, murder, betrayal, porn, prostitution, letting innocents take the fall, or that scourge of all that is pure and innocent, the internet. This has to be how the show gets most of their plots anyway.

 

A related game, CSIing, involves taking a sordid case and adding a gimmick, freak factor, or kink. Like, instead of a Law’n’Order “Her murderer is her father, who is also her baby’s father!”, you get “Her murderer is an insane ventriloquist obsessed with frozen yogurt who makes his victims into delicious protein-laden smoothies!” 

**I know, I know, the razors haven't done anyone serious injury. I can dream, can't I?