VARIOUS COMMENTATORS: Everyone is trembling in their skates with the return of Yevgeny Pluschenko, the badass Russian skater who will kick the ass of everyone in the world.
ME: So he’s like the Masked Menace of skating?
MY SISTER: He’s be great as a supervillain.
DICK BUTTON: Too bad the cold war is over! Plushenko would be a great Bond villain.
MY SISTER and ME: SEE?!
This precipitated a long discussion through the program about the secret supervillain cabal of men’s figure skating, which made us all the more excited to see Lysacek show up with slicked-back hair and what appeared to be fluffy black armor.
ME: Okay, he’s TOTALLY the evil assassin Plushenko sends out after those who have displeased him.
MY SISTER: He needs an eyepatch.
ME: True. And he’ll wind up turning on Plushenko and at the last minute heroically saving the hero, and Plushenko dumps him into a pit of piranhas or lava or something.
MY SISTER: Lava. I mean, he’s even playing the Firebird Suite! It’s like evil and redemption in a short and heavily edited piece of music!
Granted, the hyperbolic comparisons broke down right around the last few skaters, when it became Silly Costume Time. In rapid succession we had Hick In Overalls, pink tassels,* Skeleton,** Sailor, and some sort of gloomy Bizarro Joker.
MY SISTER: Next it’ll be the Indian, then the Cop, then the Construction Worker …
ME: I’m still not sure that the Hick dude wasn’t an extremely elaborate, lifetime achievement troll.
MOM: No. If he were, the music he’d be skating to—
MY SISTER and ME: DON’T EVEN SAY IT.
In conclusion: Let's never use the Firebird Suite for a short program again. Two different programs used it, and it's impossible to edit it without killing its awesome.
*This was Johnny Weir, though, so it gets a pass.
**Today we also learned that no matter how valiantly the audience tries, you cannot clap along to Night on Bald Mountain.